What does it mean to love yourself?

This has become so important to me because as I sit here, I know that my purpose, my mission, my vision is to help other people, but most specifically women, love themselves, cherish themselves, take care of themselves, and then from this place - build and create a life they love. To experience life fully and from an honest, authentic place. There are so many self help books out there, my gift on my website is “8 secrets to building self love” and there are thousands of quotes around self love, and then I imagine some of you have heard or seen or just TRIED SO HARD to live loving yourself that how can we possibly understand or know what that means? OH and on top of that, there are thousands more articles on what it even means to love someone ELSE. What the heck does it mean to love? So I have opinions, experiences, and thoughts on that, but I am going to focus now on what it means to love YOURSELF. and NO I don’t think it just means “work out more” or “eat healthy.”

Here’s what I think it means. LOVING YOURSELF MEANS:

*that you say no when you want to say no (and that you just say no in general sometimes! boundaries!)
*that you say yes when you want to say yes.
*being honest with where you’re at in your life -- being honest with how you FEEL. accepting yourself for exactly who you are
*feeling your feelings - not drinking, using drugs, having sex, eating ice cream, working out, bailing on your therapist to avoid the process. feel your feelings
*not participating in activities that do not feed your soul
*ending a relationship that doesn’t serve your highest vision and goals
*entering relationships that serve your highest vision and goals
*listening to your heart when it says to do or NOT do something
*trusting yourself - not needing to call 10 people for advice, opinions, knowing that you have the answer
*making time for yourself, even if it’s 5 minutes a day of just quiet time, or journaling
*getting enough sleep
*saying “I’m sorry”
*forgiving yourself - stop being hard on yourself! (this is a whole other blog in and of itself) but what does it serve? really? what happens when you scream at yourself and beat yourself up for the things you do, have done, etc. forgiveness is a tremendous act of LOVE
*making a decision that even though it’s not what you want, you know it’s best (like choosing NOT to move to San Diego, even though you may want to right now)
*letting go. trusting the universe. allowing yourself to be guided. you love yourself when you stop trying to control everything and everyone.
*keep the focus on you. when you love yourself you don’t compare yourself to anyone else
*having goals and dreams and visions. working towards something in your life
*doing things for others, but not at the expense of yourself.
*asking for HELP!! - it’s amazing why some people find this so hard (for me, I’m working on not asking for help ALL THE TIME so I can learn how to trust myself-another blog soon) however, the only reason I am sober, the only reason I am still alive and working through all my crap is because I continuously DO ask for help and guidance from others, people who I admire, who love me and care about me and will tell me the truth, not what I think I want to hear
*laughing at yourself
*keeping commitments
*telling the people you love how you truly feel about them - your dreams, visions, hopes for them, how much they me to you. loving yourself and loving others is VULNERABLE
*you sometimes do what’s needed more than you do what’s wanted*<--- BIG!

You do what’s needed more than you do what’s wanted. I am in this right now and this is my lesson. As I walk through and practice RADICAL self love and I feel my feelings, I honor myself and my journey, I stop judging myself on my behaviors, I laugh at myself, and I choose to do the things that I NEED to do for myself OVER the things that I may want. Gosh, there are so many things I want! I want to live in San Diego, I want to coach full time and lead women’s circles, I want my own apartment, I want a soulmate, want want want ---- in order for WHAT to happen you ask? Happiness? No. I want to be happy, but I recognize that’s a choice. Having the above mentioned things for me, would somehow mean that I am loved. WOW! Now that’s humbling. That’s what I am seeking. Love. Isn’t that what we’re all seeking? But I know this, and now I am LIVING it, all of the love in my life begins with ME. I MUST love myself first before I am capable of loving another - because I will treat others (especially my partner) how I treat myself.

I want to move to San Diego. I was ready to go. I told my boss. I told my roommates. I told my parents. I even announced it on Facebook (so then it’s real, right?). But guess what? I’m not ready yet. I have changed my mind. I didn’t have enough money. I DON’T have enough money in order to go right now - but I was going to depend on someone else to help make that happen for me. This person who I love and care about, but who (experience showed) was not willing to fully commit and help me with this. and you know what I realized? THAT’S OK. and SELF LOVE - and building the life I want means I take responsibility for myself and my life! NOT wait for someone else do it for me. Now THAT’S love. When you don’t want someone else to do your life for you. and I want it. I want to go to San Diego SO BAD. AND try this on, one of my mentors said, “Catherine. Adults do what needs to be done more so than what’s wanted.” I am doing what I need to do. I am listening to my heart saying "NOT YET CATHERINE." There is always going to be something we want right? A new book, clothes, workshop, vacation, yoga outfit, sex, etc. When will it be enough? When will we know that we are enough, we do enough, we have enough, and that I can have goals and dreams and visions and I will fall more in love with myself as I WORK TOWARDS IT MYSELF rather than demand that everything be given to me right now. I also WANT a relationship - but maybe I’m not ready! Maybe it’s not time. and that’s ok! I must accept where I’m at, be honest about the work I still need to do on myself, and fully commit to THAT before I will ever be ready to commit to someone else.

I love Boston. I am building a life here. I am really REALLY proud of the work I have done and the work I am doing for other women through circles and coaching. I am also humbled realizing that I still have work to do on myself (and it’s never ending!) and it’s my JOB to love myself through it. That I am not a failure for not going to San Diego right now, in fact, I feel like a success, because I am taking responsibility for myself and my life. I am ending a relationship that does not serve me, it has nothing to do with the other person being right or wrong, it doesn’t serve. That’s the questions I want you to ask yourselves before you do something --- DOES THIS SERVE? and WHAT does it serve? Your ego or your heart?

Can you be patient enough to let your life unfold? Can you TRUST that you are being taken care of and loved by a power greater than yourself, the universe which holds all things together and can you LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to spend time with yourself, do the things you love, take time to let your life unfold and enjoy the present moment? Say yes when you want to say yes -- and to sometimes say NO!? What do you think?

Do you need help with this? Do you need HELP healing, loving, getting present, discovering, accepting? Well that’s what I DO. Are you ready to see how worthy and deserving of love you are?

I don’t want to be anyone else but me. Just me. Just Catherine! AND I sure as heck do not want anyone else’s path. I want mine. I want to be responsible for it. I want to enjoy it. and I want to love myself (and you) every step of the way.

There is nothing wrong with you

 

Isn't it amazing? How many of us walk around with this? The idea that there is something WRONG with us. Our desperate cry to be PERFECT - or whatever the hell that means? I had a big day today, a really important day and I am so grateful for how it felt to have a knife driven into my heart and for how it felt to realize how deeply and completely I love and accept myself exactly as I am. I thought it was important to reflect on my journey, to realize and confirm exactly why I am committed to the work I am doing as a coach and that it was a really important message I wanted to share with you. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. and there is nothing wrong with me. 

Please stop trying to do everything possible to change who you are, change what you look like, change how you behave to please others. This is something that has been at the core of my work - that I want to empower people to FEEL powerful in their lives, feel confident and courageous and AUTHENTIC and to embrace the truth of who they are and know that they are enough and so worthy and deserving of love. I have spent a lot of time embracing who I am, loving who I am, all parts of me, regardless of whether I have a relationship or not (because of course, I used to believe that being in a relationship somehow meant I was enough, and without one, I'm not) - and it has not always been this way! This morning it hit me to the core. A moment where I felt a knife wound to my heart. STRAIGHT to my heart where one comment IMMEDIATELY brought me back to "there is something wrong with me" and it hurt. It hurt so much. And it doesn't matter what the person's intention was or how they said it. I am so grateful they did because I got to do the work on myself today. To experience how it felt to lay on the sidewalk in downtown Boston, tears pouring down my face, SCREAMING at the top of my lungs - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I'm just going to go right out with this. Be more vulnerable than I have ever been and get rid of this shit - there is nothing wrong with ME and there is nothing wrong with YOU.

How to be unhappy? Try to please others. Direct link. I grew up trying so hard to be everything everyone else wanted me to be, trying to behave how you wanted me to behave so you would love me, dress the way you wanted me to dress, change my body so you would love me and then of course it got to the point so the only thing that was mine was my name. I then went through the world with no freaken clue of who I was until one day I was finally able to admit that I needed help. Here's how it went. 

My mom would constantly ask me "Why can't you be like the other girls at school?" Because they were smarter and apparently worked harder than me. In 4th grade I was made fun of for having hair on my legs - somehow all the other girls started shaving already and I was called a werewolf because I had so much hair. My eyebrows were black but my hair was light so I was told I had caterpillars on my face. So I tried to puck my eyebrows myself and let me tell you... it was quite ridiculous what I did. I taped my breasts down in 6th and 7th grade because I was getting so much unwanted attention and glances and I felt so insecure and out of control in my body I had to hide it - in a way that was so painful I often struggled to breathe. Then in 8th grade a guy at another school invited me to a dance - he sent me an email the night of the dance saying that if I wanted to come I probably should shave my arms so I wouldn't get made fun of. So instead of wearing my favorite tank top to the dance I wore a long sleeve shirt. I was kissing a guy when I was 16 and he asked me if I wanted to try his face wash because my acne was so bad and he told me whatever it was I was using wasn't working. I practically begged the popular girls at school to let me sit with them at the "popular" lunch table so that I too could feel pretty and accepted. The most humiliating times of my life. Where I slowly began to believe that there was indeed something wrong with me, and if I could just be prettier, skinnier, smarter, more athletic, more perfect, more outgoing, more talented, accomplished, extraordinary THEN you would love me! No wonder at 16 years old I couldn't take it anymore and I picked up alcohol.

Three years later at 19 I am suggested to go into Alcoholics Anonymous because I have lost myself so much that I can't go one day without drinking and it wasn't until 22 years old that I finally said, this is NOT how I want to live. So now as an alcoholic are you going to treat me differently from you? Is this one more thing that's wrong with me that I have to try to fix and change so I can behave well enough for you to be comfortable? No. It's not.

It is SO EXHAUSTING to walk through life constantly trying to be whatever anyone and everyone else wants you to be! No wonder so many people are miserable and struggling with self identity - because they don't spend the time to actually listen to what's in their heart and embrace who they are and celebrate who they are and celebrate the choices they make that are in alignment with who they are! What will it take for you to completely love and accept yourself as you are? WHEN will you decide to do that? When will you behave like the magnificent, remarkable, extraordinary human being that you are who is loved for exactly who you are for no other reason than you are YOU!?

I received a gift this morning. Thank you to the person who sent the bullet straight to my heart to remind me that when I look into the depth of my soul I LOVE what I see. I LOVE who I am, all parts of me. I love the part that can't stop crying all the time because I am so moved by LIFE and in deep gratitude that it touches my heart so much that I just release. I love my black eyebrows because they are exactly what makes me different. I love that I dance in my room by myself to my favorite music because I love how it feels to move. I love that my boobs are so big they sometimes get in the way of yoga poses I wish I could do. I love that my body is slowly opening up to yoga - and that I CAN'T do all these ridiculous poses YET and that I am in no rush - I won't be more of a yogi because I can do a handstand than I am right now. I love that I go to therapy so I can learn more about myself and grow and deepen my connection to my heart. I love that I have faith in a higher power, a power that is bigger than me who loves me and cares for me and works with me as I create my life. I love that I am an alcoholic, that I had a problem with alcohol, and that now there is a solution where I get to go to meetings all over the world and meet the most remarkable people I have ever known - that we have a shared experience, a shared safe space and that my best friends are in this program too and we support and love each other exactly as we are, in all our flaws, in all our mistakes and imperfections, everything that makes us HUMAN. I love that I eat a reeses peanut butter cup all around the outside first, then put the peanut butter part right on my tongue, I love that I love talking about sex, I love being with women, I love that I can get so riled up and passionate about the things I believe in, that I am so passionate about the people I love and I would die for the people I love. I love laughing so hard my cheeks and stomach ache, I love that my hair is a frizzy mess when I don't blow dry it, I love that I have hair on my body, I love my strong legs that enable me to run, jump, skip, stand, balance in yoga. I love my body, exactly as it is, that I don't go to the gym anymore because I am so committed to looking good naked FOR YOU. I work out because it feels good for ME and then I have more energy to go about my life and stay present and awake to every moment of it, and most of all...most of all, I love that I don't need YOU to love me so that I love me. I love me. I love who I am, who I am becoming, who I choose to be in this world. Powerful, feminine, free, fun, playful, joyful, grateful, vulnerable, courageous, awake, and alive to every moment of my life and that I can feel things right down into the depth of who I am and then can move past it, that I run my life today, not you.

And if one day, if one day I get so lucky that I meet a man who loves me for exactly who I am, I won't ever have to doubt it because I won't ever have to doubt that I have behaved any other way when I am with him. That he will know who I am when he meets me. Because I know what I'm like, and I act that way pretty much all the time, regardless of the situation. I won't pretend to like music he does if I don't, I won't pretend to like chocolate ice cream just because he does if I don't. The most important thing is for me to be entirely myself rather than date someone who demands I only be part of who I am. It is so much more relaxing, so much more free, so much more real to be upfront about who I am rather than hide it. Why bother hiding it? It takes so much WORK. AND I won't want him to be anything other than himself because I will allow him to be exactly as he is, and I won't try to help him, change him, fix him to conform to whatever idea I think I have of who my partner should be. 

When I wake up in the morning, when I call my friends, when I talk to my parents, or my sisters, I can tell them exactly what is going on and I don't have to worry about what they'll think, or if they'll judge me, and when my friends tell me their deepest darkest secrets, the things they are most ashamed about, afraid of. I feel blessed and honored to see them, to witness them, to hold them and let them know either that I have felt that way too or that I am so proud of them for telling the truth and working through their fears and insecurities and trusting me with their heart. 

There is NOTHING wrong with you, about you, or the way you are.
 

Whatever you think is the thing about your body, personality, passions, 

dreams - whatever it is keeping you from being perfect, attractive, wonderful RIGHT NOW it isn't keeping you from that. You're so wonderful. So beautiful. So freaken AMAZING and the world is so lucky to have you in it. Stop trying to be perfect because you already are. There is really, seriously, NOTHING wrong with you.

I knew my heart was breaking. Open

What if today was the first day of the rest of your life?

I want to share what happened to me. How I know now that I am on the right path, that we are so lucky in this world to have access to so many different avenues for healing. I have to share this. Because I want you to know what is possible for you. I want you to know my deepest secrets. I want you to know the truth. I want you to see me. I want the world to see me – because I am ready to live. I am ready to write my story. I’ve got a blank page now. I’ve shared bits and pieces of the old story – the past, the things that have happened that have molded me into the woman I am now. And what I want you to know – that you are not what happened to you. You are who you decide to be. Every second, every moment is a decision. A decision of who you are and who you want to be. You are always deciding. You are always creating and I knew something was happening to me. I knew I was making decisions and I knew that I was ready to choose who I wanted to be – to live the truth that is in my heart and to reveal it to the world. There is one purpose of life – that is freedom. Freedom to be exactly who you are, doing what you love; life is for you to experience in its fullest glory.

“Something’s happening.” That’s all I’ve been able to say over the past two weeks. Something was happening to me. I have embraced the truth. I have been committed to constant self-discovery, self exploration and healing over the past 3 years. I stopped drinking. I began to ask for help. I began to take a good look at myself. I started inner child therapy to heal my trauma from the past and to begin to examine how I was behaving in the world so I could change it. I knew that was what I wanted. To remove the walls around my heart, to choose love over fear, to really go inward. With this knowledge I could discover the things that have been holding me back and journey back to my heart. It has been a process. It has been painful to see some truths about myself. To see how I still let my past define me, how I still play out the same story over and over again. I learned about relationships, I learned about choice, I learned about freedom, I learned how it felt to just LOVE without needing love in return. I took risks, I took chances, I began to step into my power, something I had forgotten I had. While I have been doing a lot of great things, a lot of things I am proud of, there was something still going on. Something I still let hold me back. My old story. That I was a victim. 

Isn’t that where so many people live? "I can’t love again because I’ve been hurt. I can’t take this chance because what if I fail? I can’t do this because my mom told me I wasn’t enough so I believed her. This happened once (this pain) so I need to make sure it doesn’t happen again so I’m not going to do this or this. I can’t stand my boss so that’s why I’m miserable. I don’t have money so I’m just going to sit and complain about it." Blah blah blah. We waste an extraordinary amount of energy blaming other people, places and things for our feelings, behaviors, and actions. We spend a depressing amount of time blaming other people for the way things are.

And guess what? I did it too. I blamed my parents. I blamed my parents for “the way I am.” Whatever that was. And it came up the most in intimate relationship for me. I was influenced by the way my partner felt, I cared a lot about what he was doing, where he was going, etc. I let my whole emotional being be influenced by decisions he was making – instead of making my own. I said “yes” when I wanted to say “no” and no wonder I felt emotionally drained all the time. I started “censoring” myself, behaving how I thought he wanted me to behave, essentially putting myself in a prison. Of course it was painful. It is really hard to love yourself if you can’t be yourself. I walked around in the relationship behaving like I was the lucky one - and felt unworthy of being loved by someone as amazing as him. I have friends who love me for exactly who I am, and they love me and support me in all my ridiculousness (and I am ridiculous) and they tell me the truth. But here I am, in the most sacred relationship there is, blaming. The relationship that I envision to be an unbelievable soul connection, fireworks go off when you walk into the room, the hairs on my arms stand up when he kisses me, celebrating each other, supporting each other in love, allowing each other to be exactly who we each are, laughing and loving each other so much you can’t stand it. That I want to remember how amazing I AM so I cause him to remember how amazing HE is. I don’t need someone to complete me, I love the idea of two people who already feel whole, content, happy and complete coming together to expand the amazing lives they are already living. THAT is what I want. 

I knew I was done. I knew I no longer wanted to live as a victim in my life. This has been the theme of 2012 for me. This transition. This humbling awakening to the way I have been behaving. Over the past two weeks I attended a workshop where I was confronted with this truth, my boyfriend and I broke up for what feels like the millionth time. I want freedom. I knew I had to shift. I knew I wanted to lead other people on this path to self-discovery, to face the truth, and then to be able to let go of their past/limiting beliefs/behaviors and take their power back and start creating their life. After the break up I began to energetically feel myself change. My whole body began to experience various sensations throughout this week. I was having vivid dreams, I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating. I felt as though a huge cinder block of energy was resting on my chest. I had trouble breathing, I had constant headaches and I would fall asleep at night ripping at my chest to try to make the weight go away. This time I wasn’t crying. This time I knew I wanted OUT.  My heart that is. This time I knew I never wanted to walk around in a relationship with a censor. I know I want to storm, I want to be exactly who I am, I want to shine and I never again am going to wait for someone else to give me permission to do so. I don't need permission to do ANYTHING, be anything, think anything, feel anything. 

I felt like my heart was breaking open. Heart birthing rather than breaking. That I knew this was what I wanted. I wanted to be free. Free to love with my whole heart, to make room in my heart, in my body, in my mind to love everyone and everything. If my heart could break open - I would love without expectation or reservation, I wouldn't care what you thought of me, I wouldn't censor who I am or the things I say, I wouldn't try to impress you, I would just love you, give to you gracefully, love would flow out of me as I move toward creating my dreams. I wanted to be “naked” to the world, to let my whole self be seen.

I went to a breathwork workshop Friday, September 14th. My friend invited me 3 weeks ago. I made this plan 3 weeks ago - before the workshop, before the breakup, before this energetic shift. I was reminded tonight that everything is happening in perfect time. And this came right on time. I walked into the room. I started crying when she asked us why we were here. I said I was going through a break up and I wanted a release. Not overwhelming tears, just tears, letting go because I knew this was what I wanted. That no matter how much I missed my boyfriend I had to come to a place of acceptance, and no matter how much it scared me to see who I would be without my “story” I was done. I set the intention to be broken open. I said out loud, break me open. I’m ready. I want all of it gone because I am ready to unleash my heart. So we begin. I have never done breathwork before. This was gentle. She explained the benefits of the body physically, emotionally and spiritually. She played the music and I relaxed into it. 

Breathing in my mouth and out my mouth. Imaging the breath circulating through my body. Slowly, not very deep, not shallow, just calm and conscious. Over and over. I began to feel my body shift and awaken. I began to experience tingling sensations all over my arms and legs and especially across my face and neck. It would happen for 30 seconds or so and then go away. I just kept breathing. The facilitator came over a couple times, holding my hands on my stomach, telling me to breathe, “good” she would say, “great Catherine.” And continue on. There were 6 people in the room. I listened to the music. I let go of expectations of what I thought was going to happen and I just breathed. I was thinking of my ex-boyfriend. Dreaming of him. Missing him. Feeling him on my body. Remembering how it felt to kiss him, touch him. I prayed for God to come into my body. To remind me that love is never lost because love is what I am. And I just kept breathing. At one point I lifted my legs up and put both feet on the ground. She told me to feel my power here. To remember how powerful I am. That I have everything I need. And I did. I asked God to help me again. To see me as he sees me. Perfect. Powerful. I can stand on my own. Soon I really began to feel something. I put my legs back down flat on the ground.

I stopped hearing the music. I thought I was falling asleep. I forgot where I was. I began to lose feeling in my arms. Then I lost feeling in my legs. My hands began to curl. My breath became short. I blacked out. I don’t remember how long that lasted. All I know is I saw nothing, felt nothing, and heard nothing. Within moments I gasped for air and opened my eyes. The facilitator was right there as I sat up and she embraced me. I couldn’t understand how she knew to be there for me. That the moments before I blacked out I was thinking of him. Thinking of how much I needed him to hug me. That I just wanted a hug. And there she was. Ready to hug me. Now I erupted in tears. I didn’t see anything, no images came to mind, but I was crying. I could feel my entire body relax, I could feel how much I just let go, she held me so close, so tight and just kept whispering “you are safe Catherine. You are so loved. You are safe. I’m here. I got you. I’m here.” And I just cried. Soon I could feel my chest lighten and right now as I write this there is no weight on my chest. It was all gone. I couldn’t believe my body. She laid me back down. I kept crying. I tried to find my breath again. She sat down and held my hand. The tears continued to come. Not thinking anything I rolled over and continued to cry. She put her hand on my back and left me there. She then said that the session was coming to an end. How long were we going for? How long did that take? Did I really black out? What the f**k just happened!? I kept crying. Now I was hearing the music. She turned it down. Asked everyone to begin to find movement in their body again. I couldn’t move. The tears started to slowly stop. But I didn’t want to move. I was in the fetal position on the floor. Just breathing. After everyone else got settled she came over to me. 

“Catherine are you ok?”
“Tara,” I said, “I blacked out. What happened? I blacked out, I don't remember anything other than my body seizing.”

She then says, “Catherine. I have been doing breathwork for 10 years and I have only seen what just happened to you about 5 times. You were reborn. You went through the birthing process. The reason your body tensed up is because your body traveled through the birth canal again, you gasped for air because you stopped breathing and yes, you did black out. That is part of the process. I knew to hug you because that is what is needed when a baby is born. A baby needs to be held. You did so good Catherine. Welcome to the world. You are new. Take your time sitting up.” She later shared that she had actually been sitting by me for a few minutes. She felt my body calling to her. She said she just sat and watched me and after a few minutes wondered why the angels had called her to me, and it was in that moment that she watched my body seize up, gasp for air, then open my eyes and lean into her arms. I am never going to forget this - most importantly the way she held space for me. That God knew I would be safe tonight.

5 times in 10 years? Reborn? I get to start over? Did I get my wish? To let go of the past? That it no longer matters what happened to me and right now, in this moment I can decide what I want to do and who I want to be? In this moment? Wow, yes, I can. I laid there for about 10 more minutes as the rest of the group circled up. Thank you God. Still processing what has happened I began to move my arms and legs and slowly sat up. I couldn’t believe how light my body felt, how free I felt. I wanted to be near everyone. I wanted more hugs. As I write this now I feel more powerful and free than I have ever felt in my life. I am no longer a sexual assault victim or an abused child. I’m Just Catherine. Magnificent, powerful, remarkable, beautiful, kind, compassionate, generous, loving, fierce, sexy, free, confident, smart, capable, and excited to live. 

I shared about my intention. I shared about how I wanted to release the past. I shared about how I wanted my heart to be broken open and I got my wish. She looked at me and said “You most certainly have done the work to get here, to this moment now.” She then said, in the 5 times she has witnessed this, usually the muscle tension lasts for minutes, but she said I came “out” in seconds. Seconds I was ready to be born. And you know what? I am ready. I am ready to live my life. That God has given me the chances over and over again and I have stepped up to them each time. I have been unafraid. I am healing. I embraced my inner child, I am doing the physical healing on my body through yoga and body work, I have gone to the seminars to gain control over my mind, but breathwork? This was something I wasn’t prepared for. Thank you God for my friend for suggesting this, thank you God for my perfect timing. I am reminded of the work I have done to be able to get here. To this moment now.

I know now how important it is to just breathe. And that maybe you don’t need to go through what I just did. You don’t need to have a “process” in order to be reborn again. You can just decide. This was how God wanted it to be for me. I went through it like this so I could help you decide. So I could share my story, my experience, my strength and hope for you to begin living the life you dream of. To start letting yourself shine and we will support you in all your glory. No one wins by playing small. We are meant to shine. And shine I will. So today begins the first day of the rest of my life. My story is one yet to be written. 

Watch out world, here I come.

I am responsible

I am responsible for myself
I am responsible for living or not living my life
I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being
I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs
I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve
I am responsible for my choices
I am responsible for what I give and receive
I am responsible for setting and achieving my goals
I am responsible for how much I enjoy life
I am responsible for how much pleasure I find in daily activities
I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love
I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me
I am responsible for my wants and desires
All of me, every aspect of my being, is important
I count for something
I matter
My feelings can be trusted
My thinking is appropriate
I value my wants and needs
I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment
The decisions I make and the way I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem
My decisions will take into account my responsibilities to myself
My decisions will also take into account my responsibilities to other people
Others have the right to live their lives as they see fit
I live my life responsibly and I allow others to live their lives as they choose

Sometimes we forget

Sometimes we forget
That we are enough.
That we have enough.
That we do enough.

Sometimes we forget
That we are so lucky to be alive
That life is precious
That everyone has a story
That we all belong to each other

Sometimes we forget
That love is never lost
Love is what we are

Sometimes we forget
That we have choice
The we can start over
That we have second chances
That tomorrow might not come
That the past is gone
That this moment is all there is

Sometimes we forget
That it's ok to cry
That it's ok, to not be ok
That it will be ok
That it already is

Sometimes we forget
That our dreams have value
That we deserve to have them come true
That we have the power to make them come true
That anything is possible

Sometimes we forget
that sometimes we forget
and that's why we have each other

Will you jump?

I’m at the edge of the diving board. All the way up to the top. I’ve been walking up the ladder the past few months and now I’m there. Standing on the edge. Looking out at the pool. Looking down at the water. How I felt at summer camp when I was 12 years old. My toes curled around the edge. Here I am. I glance behind me, there’s the ladder. I can go back down. Or I can jump.

FEAR is the only thing that holds people back from doing anything their heart desires. Fear is what keeps people out of relationships, keeps people running away in relationships, fear is what keeps us stuck. Fear is what keeps me from unleashing everything in my heart, spreading and sharing the abundance of love and joy and playfulness that lies within me. 

Fear of what it looks like when I no longer identify as a victim of my childhood. A childhood filled with abuse, uncertainty, distrust, chaos, fear.  I would be loved one day, next day to be hiding under the bed scared out of my mind because my mom was banging down the door to find me. Beaten. Told to shut up as I laughed and expressed joy. Called a bitch at 6 years old. Compared to other girls in school and I was asked why I couldn’t be more like them. So what happened? What did I choose to hear? I’m not enough exactly as I am. I cannot trust love –and that if I am loved it will be taken away. That there is not enough. That I have to DO something in order to be loved. 

I have been on a healing journey for about 3 years now. Opening my heart, breaking down the walls, learning how to meet my own needs, building self love and therefore building my capacity to love others. I have had remarkable relationships. I have amazing friends. I just dated the most phenomenal man I have ever known. I am constantly learning, growing, changing AND becoming more aware still of the unhealed wounds of the past that continue to show up in relationship. The past two weeks I have felt myself fighting, desperately, to let go of these beliefs. The belief that I can’t trust love.  The belief that I am not enough. The belief that I don’t have a voice. The belief that my dreams and my needs don’t matter. It is no longer anyone else’s job to take care of me. It is my job to take care of me. It is my job to like me.  It is my job to be honest in relationships. It is my job to trust who I am, to know who I am. 

When do the weakest parts of ourselves show up? When faced with uncertainty. YES. Uncertainty. That’s when you see the dark side. Can you sit with it? Can you remember who you are in these moments? Can you remember your faith? Can you remember your certainty in yourself? Can you choose to look at the situation differently? I have been on a roller coaster of uncertainty with my partner the past few weeks. Where will he live in the next few months? Where will I live? What do I want? This uncertainty has led me to not be able to trust him, constantly changing his mind; then unable to trust myself and I became consumed by this ONE thing. This one thing when everything else was so great. It seemed our uncertainty about the future and our inability to comfort each other through it led to the end of our relationship. There is no calm in the storm. 

I had dinner with my friend today. A long lost friend I haven’t spoken to in almost a year. She shared with me that her boyfriend suffered from a heart attack in February. He has continued to have heart issues since then, so much so that every day is “uncertain” in that his heart is failing. They don’t know what will happen. That means that every day they actually do deal with this together – that he could potentially not wake up the next day. Now THAT is uncertainty. I’m sitting there listening to her saying to myself… wow… and I’ve been worried about where my boyfriend is going to live. Really Catherine?! I’ve been so insecure, so worried, so consumed by my childhood – forgetting I have a voice, forgetting that I choose to have certainty of LOVE. That all I want – I imagine we all want, the partner who will say “I love you no matter what. I will love you through the storm. I LOVE YOU, of that I am certain.”

The uncertainty of life doesn’t matter when you are CERTAIN in loving your partner and loving who YOU are. I was in awe and admiration of her devotion, love and dedication to her partner. The way she was moved to tears she talked about that event in February and how it’s been for her now. Continuing to show up and just love this man through every difficulty. I was so moved by this I could feel the impact on my heart of that kind of love and devotion.

You stop focusing on the things you can’t control and focus on the things you CAN. Like the ability to love. Your ability to make a decision, one day at a time, with the things that are in front of you. Your ability to choose. My ability to choose. To choose to love. To share my story with the world. To start my own business. To take risks. To choose to be a SURVIVOR of my past and a CREATOR of the present and future. An agent of change. I am certain I love my partner. I am certain I love me too. I am certain of the uncertain. I am certain that I will continue to love him and I am now certain of the kind of relationship I want. Will I ever be perfect? No. Will I forget sometimes? Yes. And one day I’ll get to have a man by my side to help me remember. The gift is that I get to wake up tomorrow ready to embrace the unknown, combined with my capacity to make a huge splash in my life. I am ready right now, to let go of the past, to let go of old beliefs that are longer serving me, to show up as the phenomenal woman I am in all my life – especially my intimate relationship. 

Are you ready to take control of your life? To be responsible? To get EXCITED about your ability to change your life? Wake up. 

I am creating. I am growing.  I am changing my life. I am responsible. And it feels SO GOOD.

I jumped. Will you?

Dear Human

Dear Human:

You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And you do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s PLENTY.
-- Courtney A. Walsh

Now is all there is

Life. So much time is wasted thinking about it's meaning or what's the point. It is no one's job to tell you HOW to live. This is where the source of so much pain comes from right? We are so focused on what we "should" be doing, what we should wear, how we should be and behave. I have eliminated the word SHOULD from my vocabulary because it serves no purpose. That's someone else's word and I know that doesn't come from my heart. What I want for you is to embrace your ability to choose. To choose for yourself how you want to live and for the purpose of this blog, the only question I would like for you to ask is whether or not anything I say is true for you.

It has been quite a summer. I got back together with my boyfriend, I began yoga teacher training, and my coaching business has begun and I have amazing clients! I am constantly being reminded about just how amazing life is – and not just how amazing, but how precious. I have embraced my own ability to choose, or not choose, who I want to be and what I want to do. Some other things have happened that are not so happy – like unexpected illness and unexpected death and loss. Where someone’s life was literally just taken away from them within moments; like a 24 year old girl who was killed by a hit and run driver as she rode her bike home from work. This isn’t about being morbid, this is about being real. This is about me asking you to think about how you want to live your life? 

Do you know how it feels to be taken for granted? Have you ever felt that way? To be accepted as just always being there, without receiving any nurturing or respect. Someone just expects you to be there. It is a horrible feeling and doesn't really develop into a meaningful and fulfilling relationship right?  I have been there before and lately I have wondered, what would the relationship to your life be like if you took it for granted? Are there people I take for granted? Am I taking my life for granted?? What happens when you don't nurture your life, your body, your relationships? Like a flower without water and sunlight, it dies.

I am so excited about building a business and leading women’s circles and going on women’s retreats and having goals and growing and exploring and being challenged. I am focused on constant and consistent improvement on becoming the best Catherine I can be so I can awaken the world to a life of freedom and allow others to awaken themselves. What is most important to you? How will you decide? When I am ONLY working on my business I suffer and when I don't work on my goals and dreams, I suffer. BALANCE and NURTURING our hearts and our souls and spirits is how I find true fulfillment. You don’t want to ONLY be doing, you don’t ever want to always be in action AND you don’t want to always be chillin! You want both because both feed our soul and both are necessary for our growth. I am alive when I am working on my business, when I am being of service at my job now and present to it. I feel alive now as I write and I share and I am nurtured and my heart is happy when I meditate, when I pause and pray, and when I connect with the people I love and care about and allow myself to just BE with them as Catherine. 

Tell me it doesn’t make a huge difference to hear from your friends? When you get a text or an email? Or go for a walk to get ice-cream? How does it feel when you allow yourself to just let go? Are there times when you get a phone call but you’re so busy that you don’t pick up? What if that person wasn’t around the next day? What if YOUR life was taken from you tomorrow? How did you live it today? Are you still in the past? Are you still upset about a hurt from so long ago? Is there someone you miss, but you haven’t told them? Is there someone you love, but haven't told them? Did you take time out for yourself today? To be grateful, to look around and really see just how AMAZING your life is because you are BREATHING? 

What is it that you want? Who is it that you love? Life moves to what supports LIFE. You don’t need much when it’s just you. When you are in relationship, intimate/friendship/family you gain more insight, more capacity enters your body, more feelings, more thoughts, more creativity, more success, more everything! Be in relationship with yourself, with others, with YOUR LIFE. I vow to connect with the people I love every single day, in SOME capacity and (even though this is on my website) I’ll just go ahead and tell you, one of the secrets to building self love is to make time for yourself. Even if it’s 5 MINUTES! It doesn’t have to be some big thing, but time to acknowledge your body, your heart, your soul, everything that brought you here, to the now, because how did we get so lucky to be alive, right now, on August 15, 2012? Love yourself and love your life by making time for it, making time for you, determine the things that are your water and sunlight for your soul. You are missing what is happening right now in the present moment, every second that you spend in your head thinking about possible futures or the past. Find the balance and recognize we only have the moment, and perhaps we only have today.

 

Every second is a chance to turn your life around. Don’t take your life for granted. Don’t take the people you love for granted. Do what you love, NOW. Do the things that nurture your heart, your spirit, your soul. Be with the people you love NOW because now is all there is.