4 Ways to Open Your Heart (and why it matters)

An open heart is the key to freedom and a purposeful, meaningful life. Having an open heart means you have the ability to take risks, allow yourself to be impacted, experience bliss and joy on a daily basis, an open heart is free and fearless. An open heart says “yes” with enthusiasm and “no” with kindness and care, is balanced, sees possibilities and contributes it's unique gifts with the world. An open heart takes responsibility, has faith, and actively participates in life.

A closed heart looks like this: prey to misery and depression, full of resentment, too much time on Facebook, mindless eating and too much sugar, fear of not being good enough, lack of intimate connection, frequent feelings of loneliness and unfulfilled dreams. Really tough right? That’s how I used to live. That’s why this is important to me. Why you’re important to me. It’s possible for you to love yourself and love your life. If I can do it, after years of fear and pain, so can you.  Here are my 4 steps to opening:

1. PRACTICE GRATITUDE. This is the game changer. This has been a daily practice for me every single day for the past 4 years. Right now take out a piece of paper and write 10 things you are grateful for, things you are in appreciation of. Ex. your ability to read this post. What you ate for breakfast. People in your life you love. Let it flow. Our heart softens when we focus on what we do have and I encourage all of my clients, and you, to make a list every single day.  There is always, always something to be grateful for.

2. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS. Yes, this is quite possibly one of the hardest things we may have to do. I can hear some of you right now “But HE HURT ME don’t you understand!?” I am not denying that you have been hurt, nor am I denying that there are some really horrible things that have happened in the world. But holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We could change the world if all of us chose to forgive at least one person in our lives today. Our heart softens and opens when we forgive because we remember that we are all connected. That all of us once were perfect newborn babies who knew the truth, that we are love. Free yourself and your heart by forgiving at least one person today, maybe even start with yourself.

3. TELL THE TRUTH. The truth about what it is you are feeling, what you desire, what you long for, what’s truly happening in your life. When someone asks you “How are you?” You don’t say “FINE” if you’re not fine. Open your heart through the truth. You don’t need to share your truth with the world but you can start by looking at the people in your inner circle and asking yourself if they truly know everything about you. Do the people in your life know how you feel about them? Send a text to someone you love right now and just let them know that they are important to you. That's how we begin with the truth. Heart softens, heart opens. Get honest with yourself about where you're at in your life - is it time for a new job? End an unsatisfying relationship? You are so much braver than you think.

4. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. I know I may be asking a lot of you. But it’s because I love you. I believe in you. I know it’s sometimes hard. I know it’s sometimes painful. I also know that you can get through it. I am asking you to be braver than you have ever been.  I am asking you to stop numbing yourself with sugar and alcohol and Facebook and other mindless activities that don't contribute to your growing spirit. I am asking you to grieve, to accept your sadness and disappointments, to cry your eyes out. I am also asking you to laugh so hard your cheeks hurt, to love so deeply you feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest, asking you to take risks and allow the emotions to be experienced and move through you. They will pass if you allow yourself to authentically feel them. Allow yourself to feel so you can listen to your heart. 

 “’Why do we have to listen to our hearts?’ the boy asked, ‘Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.’” – Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist

If you need support in opening, in feeling your feelings, in trusting yourself and telling the truth, in forgiveness, well that is what I am here for. This is your life, are you who you want to be?

Wake Up Call

Day 7 of being sick.
I have spent the week powerless, afraid, helpless, tired and weak.
Little did I know this is what the Universe wanted for me and I see it now. I see it so clearly.
I have spent thousands of dollars on books, personal growth workshops and therapy but I've said it before and I'll say it again. The best learning, the best workshop, is showing up for and being aware in your own life.
This week has been a spiritual retreat.

What have I learned?
I have been hit square in the face with my biggest demons and fears. Day 1. I know I can't go to work. I wake up and I can't breathe and I'm coughing and my body aches and my throat is on fire. What is my first thought? I immediately spiral into anxiety about work. About missing work, about how I can't be productive, wait I'm going to just have to SLEEP all day? What a huge waste of time! Oh and then here comes this voice, "How did you get sick? What did you do? See you never sleep and now it's backfiring. Maybe you shouldn't have had so much coffee. Maybe you should've eaten more salad. What's wrong with you? When will you learn?" And that voice just RIPS on me on how it's "my fault" that I'm sick and I should have known better and I asked for this.

I am so uncomfortable NOT DOING ANYTHING. This went on for about 2 days, just negative self talk as I ripped myself apart, cried about "what would my coworkers think of me" would they believe me that I'm this sick? Maybe I can suck it up... I walk across the street to CVS to get some medicine, when I come back I collapse on my bed. No, no I can't "suck it up." My body is done. My mind is done. Another surrender, here I go again.

Around Day 3 or 4 my mind starts to be able to get clear. The voices are quiet and I am able to find gratitude in my life. I am getting text messages and emails from so many of my beautiful friends, everyone is offering to come bring me soup or hang out with me. I am grateful for health insurance and that I am able to go to the doctor. I am grateful for the support my work has given me so far this week. I am grateful for a quiet, safe apartment where I can rest. I feel loved, yet I am lonely. Powerless, there's that feeling again. Maybe it doesn't matter how many thousands of gratitude lists I write I still feel upset. One friend says, "What if you don't judge yourself for anything you do today? Listen to what you want, one moment at a time." What if I didn't JUDGE myself? Wow, well, ok that's a concept. Ok what do I want to do? I want to watch television shows I never watch. I want to eat ice cream that I never eat. Oh my gosh, I actually WANT to just do nothing, and laugh and play and be ridiculous and silly. So I do. I watch like 40 episodes of Modern Family and Parks and Recreation. As I smile I can feel the joy in my heart grow, I can enjoy my own company, I can wait this out, I can allow this to unfold. I can allow myself to be sick. And I realize that lonely is just another word for a disconnect from self.

The past few days my mind has been alert. Just observing. Catherine what is going on? How DID you get here? How big of a message are you getting right now energetically to not only stop, but slow down? Why are you running? I have a voice that tells me sleep is a waste of time and if I'm not being productive well then what the hell are you doing? Now I can see it. I was proud of everything I accomplished - working full time, yoga teacher training, running my own business, coaching training, women's circles, and somehow keeping a romantic relationship together. What was missing? Stillness. Quiet. Calm. Faith. A relationship with myself. Intuition? The voice of my inner guide? No clue. I can't sit still long enough to hear her, until she's screaming, until I'm crying and there's nothing I can do but stop, and surrender and let go. I know she's the only voice I ever want to hear.

The world we live in right now associates productivity with self worth. What kinds of things we have, how much money we make, with Valentine's Day this month I watched so many people associate whether they were worthy based on whether they had a partner for that day. I'm done. I can't live like this anymore. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am sick of thinking that life is a game, that my accomplishments define who I am, that I feel worthy when my day is packed and I am up all night working on my business. This is not what I want. The whole reason I wanted to become and entrepreneur was to be able to HAVE more time for myself but there it is -- I'll take care of myself WHEN I have this, I'll be happy WHEN I live in California... I have not been present for my life for several months.

Where was my joy? I found it in a yoga class here and there, it was there when I went out to dinner with my friends and we stayed up all night talking. I have had moments, beautiful magical moments with friends where I feel safe and aligned with the universe. But, when was the last time I slept in on the weekend? Last July I think? When was the last time I went to bed before midnight? Again, maybe last summer.

Here's what I know now. That I was born worthy. I am worthy because of who I am as a child of the universe. My self worth is not connected to my job, how much money I make, how many things I own, how many projects I am working on or what I create, or whether I have a partner or not. That I will be successful every day if I am calm, if I am authentically me, if I tell the truth to the people I love, and if I love with all of my heart and give to each moment rather than constantly grasp for and wait for someone to give to me. I am so tired, I am so tired of running and doing and chasing and manifesting. I will commit to allowing. I will commit to more PLAY and stillness in my life. I will commit to PRESENCE and patience. When I die, I want people to remember me for how they felt when they were around me. That you knew you were special by the way I looked in your eyes when you talked, by the way I held your hand when you cried, or the way we laughed together. Maybe I'll be remembered for things I create, and I certainly do want to make a difference in the world, but most of all I want to make a difference in my heart. I want to be committed to myself each day, making time to meditate, and pray, and do Reiki on myself (this has been a tremendous gift this week) to just be of service in every small moment - that I don't need to be in the newspaper or make headlines or have tens of thousands of people know me to make a difference. That when I gave out roses to strangers last week I made a difference. When I smile at the construction team outside my apartment I make a difference. When I hold the door open for my neighbor I make a difference. When I pick up the phone when someone calls I make a difference. When I have a kale smoothie instead of coffee I make a difference. When I say NO I make a difference. When I enthusiastically say YES I make a difference. When I get enough sleep I make a difference.

When I live and love with full FAITH in the unfolding of my life I am filled with joy and happiness. To stop comparing myself to others, knowing that whatever I do, whatever I have, whoever I am is ENOUGH. That being a coach brings me joy because I hold space for my clients, one hour a week of sacred time where they get to authentically be themselves, share their joy and their pain and their fear and we work together to create a life that has meaning and fulfillment for them, to make sure their longing comes from their heart, not their ego.

My ego told me I was alone this week. I was worthless and separate and lazy. My heart knew the truth and it's finally coming through because I made time for it. I surrendered into this illness. This time alone, this time with myself and the Divine. To stop needing approval from others, to stop asking others opinion on what I should or shouldn't do. I can listen to my heart and know the truth, know that right now, I am OK. I am enough, just as I am, and I am loved, not only by so many other people but by me. I deeply and profoundly love, accept and forgive myself. I will continue to honor my body from now on, I will make more time to PLAY in my life and enjoy each day, surrendering my fears of the unknown and realizing that I don't actually want to know what is going to happen. If I want guarantees in life, I don't want life. and I do want life today, in all it's glory for the beautiful people that surround me every single day, knowing that all of my needs are met on a regular basis, and that I will embrace the beautiful mystery of life.

I will remember this when I wake up on Monday and I go to work. I won't stop dreaming, I won't give up on my longing, but I will honor and know that life happens one day at a time, and it is not about the destination, that I choose to be happy now, present now, joyful now, and loving now. I committed to an open heart a long long time ago and sometimes I get lost. A brilliant yoga teacher once said in class, I lose my way and I find my way, I lose my way and I find my way. I do my best every single day, that I know, and that will never stop, and I will make the reminders to myself, I will surround myself with people who love me and will help me remember who I am when I sometimes forget.

May you see how beautiful you are today, that you are enough, exactly as you are and you are special and important to this world. Find time to relax, and be still, do the things that bring you joy, spend time with people who make you laugh and maybe together we can awaken the world to the gift of life and get off the hamster wheel, put down our cellphones and look each other in the eye so we can all remember that we are connected and in this together.

"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up everyday, stay true to your path, and you will surely find the treasure you seek" - Jackson Kiddard

Transformation to Fly

Here's what I wondered about today.

Does the butterfly struggle to hatch from it's cocoon? Is it psyched to become a butterfly? How does she know when she's ready? Does she resist? How long does it take? Is she scared? Is it pain free?

This is what happens when I'm locked up in my room for a week sick. So let me tell you, I do not like being sick. I'm not exactly psyched about not being able to breathe, coughing like crazy, having a pounding headache, sore throat, and going through a minimum of a box of tissues a day so that my nose is all red and feels like it's going to fall off. But most of all, most of all I HATE the feeling of total and complete powerlessness. Complete loss of control (and surrender to the delusion to think I ever had any). This is the reminder for me, or at least seems to be the reminder for 2013. My theme was trust. Good thing the universe is giving me thousands of experiences in which my faith is tested and my trust in the divine's plan for me is strengthened. I can't will my way out of this one, I can't make my body heal faster than it wants to. I just have to BE. Doing absolutely nothing. Soooo I started thinking.

I started thinking about life. Who I am in the world, what it has meant for me to undergo so many transformations. First to stop drinking. Then to end painful relationships. Healing my relationships. Re-learning how to love. Healing from my abusive and chaotic childhood. And now, now the transformation I am going through is one in which I don't understand, I can't explain and I'm not even sure it's about me healing FROM something but rather a true emergence and letting go of everything that will no longer serve.

Every single person on this planet has gone through some kind of suffering. Broken heart, loss of a job, sickness, death of a family member, death of a pet, a disappointment or let down, homelessness, addiction, change. Something in which their heart has been devastated. The strongest, most resilient people I know are the ones who have recovered from these losses and continue to show up, and believe in love and believe in life. They also are usually the ones with extraordinary faith. What is happening to me now is that I am letting go of ALL limiting beliefs, all feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, my dependencies are being stripped away and I am letting go of all things that I used to think provided security (a job, a relationship, money...) and learning how to truly love myself and learn my purpose in the world. Really what it means to DECIDE who I am, who I want to be, and what I want in my life.

My heart is breaking right now. I am scared out of my mind. I cry myself to sleep often. I wake up in the middle of the night shaking with anxiety. I can find thousands upon thousands of things to be grateful for, and I am able to walk through the world with a smile on my face, but inside I am struggling. Profoundly. And this has gone on for awhile. I would say since last July. July of 2012. It is now February 2013. What I am seeking now, I don't know. Is it a feeling of groundedness perhaps?  Yes. Just to feel my feet on the ground. I am awake, awake to all that is happening, aware of my choices, but also aware of my vulnerability and frailty as a human being. And then I thought about the butterfly.

It can take two weeks for a butterfly to hatch from its cuccoon. It's not a one step process. TWO WEEKS of struggle into it's emergence to fly. I also learned that if this process is attempted to be sped up the butterfly does not fully develop and then can't live for longer than a week afterwards. This is the same as when a chick hatches from an egg. It has to keep poking it's head out through the shell to build muscles in its neck. If someone or something helps it, it's muscles don't develop enough and then it too is not able to survive. So if my process is sped up (if it were up to me, and I wanted the struggle to end NOW) I wouldn't emerge into the woman I am about to be, capable of being.

How often do we want to help others, how often do we want to immediately stop their pain because we can't stand to see the ones we love suffer? How often do we want to just make it better for the people we love? How often do you turn away from someone on the street, or not look when you see a couple fighting in public, or continue to ignore the suffering of millions of people in the world? Can you begin to imagine the capacity of human beings to SURVIVE? Our capacity to love, to show compassion and kindness, to shine the light on the darkness and allow the world to HEAL?

What if I don't need you to make it better? What if I need you to just hold my hand? What if I just need you to see me, see me raw and vulnerable in my pain and confusion and to allow me to emerge on my own? What if we could begin to do that for each other? I believe that is real love. If we never wanted babies to fall down when they learned to walk, we'd all be crawling through the world. We don't do that to children, we let them fall, we let them learn to first put their hands on the table, then wobble on their feet, then walk to us on their own, with their own strength. What if we could see the suffering that the world has endured, that this planet is currently enduring, and to quit trying to be "happy all the time" (which of course is why the world seeks so much instant gratification) and to just allow of all of us to feel the depth of our grief, our pain, and our hurt, so that our hearts can soften and we can then have that much more compassion and empathy for each other. To allow each person to go through their own transformation, to struggle and sit with the discomfort of the cocoon.

I am the most ridiculously sensitive person I know. I am also the strongest and most resilient. Knock me down 7 times, I'll stand up 8. and I'm still standing even though I have wanted to give up throughout this process. So many times. Even though I cry myself to sleep. Even though I have never been more lost or afraid. But I believe. I believe in the butterflies. I believe in the capacity of each person on this planet to survive, to love, to heal and to grow. I envision a compassionate community - where people all around the world stop turning their heads at the suffering and realize that we can actually DO something about it. That TOGETHER we can rise, we must shine the light on the darkness in order for it to transform. I believe in the collective capacity to heal our hearts and our minds and in fact change the world.

I'll keep you posted when I start to fly. But just for today, I'm still struggling. and it's OK.

Surrender

Surrender.

"What do I do?"
"Where should I go?"
"Who am I supposed to be?"
"Do I leave or do I stay?"
"What is going to happen?"

Here's my F*&@%D UP solution to uncertainty. TO DO. To try and DO as much as possible. Fix, solve, change, control, obsess.... which results in something that looks like this:

12:35am on a Saturday night. On the floor. Sweating. Tears pouring down my face. My body is shaking. My hands are wrapped around my head and I am in the fetal position. Barely breathing. The only word I am able to exhale is "help".

The moment I begin to DO anything, I have moved from faith to mistrust. From authenticity to masquerading. From serenity to chaos. I've moved so far away from myself that now I've convinced myself that having the external certainty is actually what I need in order for me to feel better.

My surrender is not graceful.

And I've had to surrender before. I am required to surrender on a daily basis! I've had to surrender my will and my life over to the care of a higher power every single day in order to keep myself from self destructing for the past 3.5 years. Because that's part of who I am. To the same extent that I am passionate, joyful, enthusiastic, driven and in love with life - there is a part of me with the same depth that is destructive, controlling, chaos creating, selfish and fearful.

I believe today that because of my willingness to go into the darkness I have developed the capacity to enter the world with such tremendous joy and freedom and light. Are you brave enough to face your fears? Are you brave enough to allow a breakdown to happen? I am moved to tears walking down the street just witnessing the sun or seeing the smile on someone else's face. I am so fiercely passionate about life that I choose to place myself right smack in the middle of it, right where it hurts, right where I'm scared, right where I must choose faith.

The desperate cry for security has made me ridiculously miserable. I imagine I am not alone in that. Doesn't it kind of sound nice? A dependable plan, a happy ending, safety, reliability, something that is somewhat predictable. - Ha, what's funny is that even as I write that there's a part of me screaming ARE YOU KIDDING ME? and my stomach turns at the thought of something being PREDICTABLE in my life, but you know, the truth is, that was what I wanted. I wanted to KNOW that everything was going to be OK. I wanted to live somewhere beautiful, I wanted to KNOW that my partner would ALWAYS love me, I wanted to KNOW exactly what was going to happen and when.  I wanted to KNOW that I would be successful and that one day I would have it all figured out. I really did want that, or at least I convinced myself I did. I wanted it so badly that I literally watched all of my life just slip through my fingers like sand. I have that feeling when I think about the beginning of my recent surrender. That all of a sudden, everything I thought I knew, everything I believed about myself and my life and my path felt like sitting on a beach with sand in my hands and all of it just sliding through my fingers and blowing away in the wind. It happened slowly. Less coaching clients, a break- up, and a plane ticket that I didn't use.

Here's my surrender. I will allow and trust in the process of life. I will surrender my desire to control. I surrender to my fears. I surrender to my need to have the answers. I surrender to my childlike desire for a life of no pain.

Faith. This is how I get to practice everything I have learned over the course of the past 25 years of my life. Nice quarter century criss I may have going on?  If we knew all the answers, if we had it all figured out, why the hell would we need God? This is how it works. If everything was always easy how would we ever discover our strength, our compassion for others, courage and wisdom - from which all of those things develop our ability to find real happiness.

I am willing now to let my guard down. I am willing now to ENJOY the sand falling between my fingers. I am willing to explore what I want. I am willing to accept the feeling of not knowing and embrace this beautiful, magical, playful, adventure of a life. I am willing to allow the light to shine through the cracks of my soul, and blast apart my ego so that everything that has ever held me back from living a life of freedom and faith will fall away.

So here's the thing. Are you willing to get honest? Are you willing to see where you RESIST what is? Where you may be holding on, controlling, expecting, demanding life to be exactly how you think it "should" be? Can you allow yourself to fall apart, so that you can, like me, pick yourself up off the floor and see how strong you are?

Here's what happens when I allow:

Calm. The feeling I am actually seeking. Deep, profound serenity. The reminder that God is real. That something is watching over me. Joy and laughter because I know that I am going to be OK.

I have slowly (and ungracefully) come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. I have slowly rolled over. First, I am no longer face down into the floor. I'm lying on my back. Heart open, palms up, hands empty and ready to receive whatever will be gracefully placed there.

Then I get up, and stand up on my own two feet, and with a smile on my face ask myself - I wonder what will happen today?

I will choose to surrender to what is. Let go of what was. and have faith in what will be.

Will you?