YOU are the one you have been waiting for

This is Part I of my reflection on self discovery and the purpose of relationships.

I am returning back to Boston after one of the most amazing, inspiring, self-reflective weeks of my entire life. I was in San Diego, California where I experienced one magical moment after another, one new idea or self discovery after another and while there were many themes that came up this week that I will write about later, the one that continued to come up over and over again was more discovery of myself. The idea that YOU are the one you have been waiting for.

I had a really amazing week in San Diego as I rediscovered myself and my passion, surrounding myself with people who fueled me, who contributed to my energy as I was committed to giving it. I felt so alive, so in my heart, so confident.

 

So long as you SEEK love, and many desperately seek this, you will NOT find what you are looking for. Because in this seeking, the attitude may be that UNTIL I find a man/woman, I am not good enough or UNLESS I have a partner, I can't confirm that I am loveable.You are most certainly allowed to want a relationship, I want one! But you can’t want one in order to confirm/solve/eliminate two of the biggest fears of human beings: 1. I am not enough and 2. I will not be loved. NO ONE will ever be responsible for confirming these things for you except YOU. I actually believe the people who are longing for a relationship the most are actually longing for a deeper connection to themselves FIRST. YOU are the one you have been waiting for.

By virtue of being exactly who you are, YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE LOVED. In fact, you were BORN worthy-your worth is intertwined with your very being. Spend as much time investing in YOURSELF as you do on dating websites and longing for love. Change your mindset and EXPECT LOVE. GIVE LOVE. BE LOVE. 

My weakest points, my most insecure points in any relationship I have been in, are when I have needed my partner to satisfy some NEED or fill some void within myself and then when that person (place or thing) didn’t meet that need, I became devastated or heartbroken or super angry or I reacted by needing more because of course, I didn't feel enough or loved!

There is a story in the book Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz (which you all should read) which essentially discusses this same idea around happiness - two people fall in love and things are great because they allow the other to be free, they have no expectations or judgments or NEED from the other, they just share in their joy and celebration of life. BUT one day the man decides to give his wife a star containing his happiness. When he places the star in her hands it shatters and the relationship ends abruptly because as soon as you place your happiness in someone else's hands, you give them the power to take it away. YOU hold within yourself the ability to be happy, with or without a partner. Stop giving your happiness to someone else and please stop letting OTHERS determine whether you are enough or loveable. 

Commit to discovering yourself over and over every day, affirming that you are enough, you are loveable and you have everything you need. Your future partner will be drawn to this and you will ATTRACT someone who is this filled up too. 

I believe the MOST amazing partners will be the ones that continuously help you discover yourself, so they would support you, challenge you, celebrate you, REMIND you who you are. They will not be someone who runs away, or someone who puts you down/criticizes you, or when you are most insecure and vulnerable they can’t handle it. The partner that can hold the space for you, lets you have your moment (because we WILL have them!) and then look at you and say “I’m going to remind you what you already know. EVERYTHING you need, EVERYTHING you are seeking lies within you.” And love you back into the place to love yourself (this really goes back to my first blog post LOVE>FEAR). Every unsuccessful relationship I have experienced is when I needed my partner to satisfy most, if not EVERY need in my life. I honestly don’t think partners are supposed to satisfy any need (and maybe that’s naïve, because you certainly have to be selective and honest about whether someone is right for you or if they are what you want). 

Do you know what you want? I want the one who makes my heart sing, the one who is aligned with the way I am, the one who loves me just as I am. Once you accept yourself just the way you are, the next step is to accept your partner. If one of you has a bad moment or an emotional crisis, your agreement is to allow each other to be what you are. The right person for you is the one you love just as they are, the one you don't have to change at all.

When YOU fill yourself up you will be that much more capable of giving to your partner and when you are FULL you will be more able to determine what and who it is that you want. Who will CONTRIBUTE to your life, add to your greatness. Fill you with energy rather than deplete it. Who you want to celebrate with. 

YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE LOVED. AND YOU ARE FREAKING FANTASTIC.