Love is action and presence

3 years ago I knew very little about love. That's not to say I didn't experience it, from friends and family members but I didn’t understand how to love myself, therefore I couldn’t possibly have truly loved another, and I did not feel worthy of being loved. I may have thought I had an idea, and I loved my friends and family as best as I could, but as I come up on my 3 year anniversary of sobriety, a time of true reflection, the most impactful and the most beautiful gifts of my life have been my relationships. 

For me, life is about relationships, connections, love. Love is the only thing that matters.  My friends and my family fuel my heart. My whole heart. I surround myself with people today who inspire me to BE ME and help me to see that that is enough. Those are the ONLY kinds of people I spend time with. I have the most amazing friends and family members I could have possibly asked for – and every day I wake up wondering if I will meet someone new, consistently longing for connection with others, to learn about others and right now to be a part of a movement in shifting the world to heart centered living and heart centered connection because it just truly is all there is. 

Recently I have really embraced impermanence. Life is happening in moments, in days, one at a time. Yesterday is gone and who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. I have embraced uncertainty so much that I crave it, the wonder and the excitement of the unknown and I am open to receiving whatever the spirit of the universe has planned for me. It’s so exciting that I have no idea what will happen. I don’t try to confine myself to anything, NO RULES, I don’t try to attach to anything because nothing lasts forever. What matters is how I FEEL in my heart and how I connect. What matters to me is WHO matters to me. All of the people that are going to show up for me on Sunday morning when I get my medallion. All of the people who taught me about love. Love is action and presence. 

Action. When you love someone, you DO things for them. We live in a world right now where “I love you” is thrown around, it’s become so casual that we’ve forgotten what it means. Love is action – when I look around at the people in my life I don’t have to question whether I am loved because they SHOW ME.  How? They pick up the phone when I call. They come to movies with me even though they may not want to. They stay up all night when I’ve just had a break up and I’m crying my eyes out even though they have to wake up the next morning for work. They buy me cards on my birthday and on Christmas, they take me to the grocery store because I don’t have a car, they remember my anniversary/birthday without me telling them, they pick me up from the airport, they sometimes drive 3+ hours to come pick me up after I’ve had a bad night, they come to meetings when I am speaking, they listen when I speak, and they do these things for me without expecting something in return. We don’t DO things for people expecting something in return and then call it love. You don’t expect love, you give love, and you love someone so much that it actually brings you joy to DO things for them. It’s not just buying gifts, it’s tricky there, but for me everything that motivates me in my life right now is love. That I’m happy when my friends are happy, I’m happy when you’re happy, and I would do anything for you. That’s just it. I would do anything for my friends. 

Presence.

Presence is an action in and of itself. Don’t freaken tell me you love me and then sit down at dinner with me and be on the phone/texting. Don’t tell me you love me and never call me. Don't tell me you love me and not make time for me. Time. Your time is your life. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time. As someone who FEELS everything and often stumbles on words (I’m not kidding, my coach keeps making fun of me, it’s hard for me to be in my head!) just saying  I love you, saying you are important to me means nothing. We must prove that relationships are important to us. Relationships take time and effort and the best way to spell love is TIME. The essence of love is not what we think or do provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves. Authenticity is my core value. My number one. It is essentially the only way I can connect right now—honesty and truth. It’s the only true connection, the one that comes from the heart. This is when words matter – when you tell the truth, when you truly reveal to someone how much they mean to you. When you truly reveal YOURSELF to another. I meet someone’s ego right now and it’s like hitting a wall, I feel nothing! And I don’t do well when I feel nothing. I sometimes say “come on, give me something!” Meaning giving me YOU. What are you doing hiding in there? I want YOU. I want your eyes, your time, your attention, your focus, your heart. Focused attention. Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself in that moment. Attention says “I value you enough to give you my most precious asset-my time." Time is the only thing we can't get MORE of, we have a set amount. What we do with our time MATTERS. Not only giving our time to others, but to ourselves! If we love ourselves we make time for OURSELVES in addition to the people we love. Love means yielding my presences, comfort, goals, security, money, energy or time for the benefit of someone else. My friends do that for me. I learned about love through people who gave me their time over the past 3 years. Who spent TIME with me when I was struggling the most, who spent hours on the phone with me, long Saturday afternoons and evenings, who looked me in the eye when I was speaking, who helped me to feel like I mattered, helped me to feel like I was not alone, held the space for me to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, to be real. I learned about self love through making time for myself to work out, meditate, journal, read, sleep. Relationships are the only thing that matters. What’s going to happen on Sunday? My friends are going to show up. And I have never, ever in my life felt more loved than I do right now. 

This is dedicated to all of my friends and my family. For your eyes, for your heart, for your focused attention, for your time. For helping me to see that I’m worth it, that I am deserving, that I am enough. When I am around you I feel unstoppable, I feel beautiful, I feel inspired, I feel powerful, I feel like my heart is bursting out of my chest and that I could run around the world with all of the energy you provide me with. I feel like I could fly. I feel loved.

If you met your soulmate, would you be ready?

“It amazes me that people think their soul mate is going to show up in their life at this predestined time and be this flawless person. A true soul mate is a mirror of yourself, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. Sure, they have a common upbringing, similar interests but they have the one thing you don’t have which is the introspection to help you become great. What use is a soul mate if they can’t help free you from yourself so you can live your life mission?”
― Shannon L. Alder

Feel it. All of it.

FEELINGS.

Amazing really, the LENGTHS we go to to avoid them. I'm also remembering just how exhausting it is to pretend to be someone you're not. I've begun to share my story  -- my past debilitating fear of not being enough, the pure avoidance of feelings that led me to turn to alcohol to completely numb out any feeling and never allow me to recognize the beauty and joy of life - total disconnection from self. Today I feel so unbelievably blessed I MUST share my story and experience of how I got to the other side. 3 years later, with exposure to so many tools, so many people, so much personal development, so much WORK, I really needed to share and remind you of a few things.

YOU ARE HUMAN. So therefore, YOU HAVE FEELINGS. and you WILL make mistakes. You WILL experience NEGATIVE AND INSECURE THOUGHTS, you WILL be heartbroken, you WILL experience loss, you WILL be disappointed sometimes. And all the energy that you spend PUSHING these experiences out, denying these feelings, beating yourself up over how you "should" be feeling (IT IS BULLSHIT TO FEEL HAPPY ALL THE TIME. STAY AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE) is HARMING you more than you can possibly realize. I KNOW cause I DID it. I was empty, I ached, I was lost.

The SECOND you are unwilling to experience whatever it is you are feeling, you become powerless and OWNED by your emotions. Denying them does not equal control over them, convincing yourself to feel something other than whatever it is you are feeling in that particular MOMENT does not equal control or courage and actually hinders your ability to influence your life and anyone else's. We relate to what's REAL, and what's REAL is whatever it is you ARE. and the true gift is that when you actually ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL it (the disappointment, the sadness, the loss, the grief, the anger) IT DOESN'T LAST VERY LONG. But when you DENY it, when you push it away, it just builds on itself and then will most certainly manifest in one way or another sometime. TRUE FREEDOM is the ability to acknowledge whatever it is you are feeling, own it, WALK THROUGH IT (preferably with others) and then you get to come out on the other side. On the other side is PURE JOY, pure excitement and passion and enthusiasm and energy and LOVE. You get STRONGER than before by walking through it. We worry when you SIT in this, when you sit in the depression or the sadness and transfer to the self-pity side - that's when we worry, but if you are just acknowledging it, feeling it, and walking through it, then we meet you there and walk with you.

I am walking through this RIGHT NOW. It has been barely 2 months since my boyfriend and I broke up. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Some days really freaken SUCK. and I'm sad! and I miss him! and I cry my eyes out! and then the next day, I WAKE UP AND I'M FREE AGAIN! The most miserable days I've had are when I have felt like I SHOULD be over it, or I SHOULD be happy or I SHOULD be feeling anything other than whatever it is I am feeling. That's when I'm the most miserable. So if I'm feeling down, I call my friends and either just talk or go BE with them or I journal and allow myself to feel and then it goes away, and I feel free and I feel taken care of by the spirit of the universe and I can walk forward one step at a time. AND I would MUCH RATHER BE LOVED FOR EXACTLY WHO I AM, than pretending to be someone I'm not. I most certainly want a partner that recognizes his humanness as well as my own. I want (and do) surround myself with people who allow me to be whatever it is I am, and I love them for being whatever it is they are. This is real love. (and eventually the roller coaster will coast in smoothly!)

What feelings are you denying? What feelings are you refusing to experience? What are you walking through? Are you telling anyone about it? I will walk with you! You are not alone.

Second reminder (ok, remindERS): 
YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU DO ENOUGH. YOU HAVE ENOUGH. 

Another big problem of a head full of personal development is the constant drive to DO more, BE more, ACHIEVE more, just run run run run run! This is EXHAUSTING. I just had a week where I tried to DO as much as I could to (of course) avoid what I was feeling (can't believe I'm still SAD!). Thank GOD it barely took a week for me to totally crash and burn and feel totally OUT of control and depleted of energy. I was able to recognize this, be honest about it, ASK FOR HELP and then spend a weekend getting back on track. ie SLEEPING and cleaning my room, and taking some time to just BE and cry and relax. and of course, now today I feel amazing and am wide awake at midnight writing this blog.

You are enough JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. and life is about ENJOYMENT. If you are RUNNING and filling your schedule with stuff, how are you enjoying life? If you achieve your goals/dreams/whatever and then there is NO ONE standing by your side to jump up and down with or no way that you can PAUSE and take it in and recognize that not only did you just achieve your goal, you had help along the way from the universe, what good is that/where is the HUMILITY? OR if once you achieve something you are already running onto the next thing, that's exhausting and really where will you be at the end of your life? I'm a life coach, I know all about goals and I know how important it is to recognize that you can achieve them, you can in fact do ANYTHING you want to --- and I also know that the most joy I have felt is when I am living in my heart, when I am real, when I actually listen to my heart on what it is that I want! I found my purpose  because I found WORK that is in alignment with exactly who I am and my role is to SERVE and assist you in finding that alignment as well. FOR YOU. Not what works for me, not what works for your friends, not what works for Tony Robbins (haha) FOR YOU.

I don't want to be ANYONE except me today and I hope the same for you. It is exhausting to be someone you're not, and why waste one second of energy trying to be SOMEONE ELSE? Because you are enough, you are unique, there is NO ONE exactly like you! You MUST look within your heart to discover what is true for you, what gives your life meaning, what excites you. I am on top of the world when I connect with people, it is truly when I feel most alive. I also feel alive when I'm writing, when I'm doing yoga, when I'm learning... but mostly, what makes my heart sing is when I am coaching, when I am connecting, when I am LOVING and SERVING others. Freedom is enjoying the gifts of my life, expressing gratitude, slowing down and recognizing the power that things are happening EXACTLY as they are supposed to. Being who you are, responding to each moment as it comes, THIS IS ENOUGH. I don't need to make headlines (nor do you) or save the world (that's not the point, save yourself - which in turn will save the world) in order to validate my existence (and neither do you).

So I'll say it again.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
YOU HAVE ENOUGH.
YOU DO ENOUGH.

and you are human. EMBRACE it. Enjoy it.

Are you running? Stop. Look around. Life is happening NOW. You can take steps towards your goals, but make sure you aren't missing the moments, the people, the love. 

To live is to risk dying

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far it is possible to go.”  

T.S. Eliot

I know that in this moment, I am who I am because of the risks I have taken. Not only in the past 3 years of my life, or the past year, or in the past week, but daily the way I choose to bring myself in the world: unafraid, free, open, and vulnerable. I feel safe in my heart today, in a way I have never felt before. I know the truth of who I am and am committed to the fact that it is an ongoing discovery process. I embrace the fact that I am always changing, growing, learning and loving more every day. I want to write about risks. I want to write and reflect on how growth occurs, and  WHY I have changed/grown so much in the past year. It is all because I took tremendous risks and did a tremendous amount of work! 

Risk - the potential for loss or an undesired outcome. 

Most of my life I had stayed in the comfort zone, the box that I convinced myself was "safe." Through this I made tremendous sacrifices - gave up on many relationships (or rather, just never tried to have any), I gave up a running scholarship, I didn't apply to a certain graduate school because I was afraid I wouldn't get in, and there are certain people no longer in my life that never knew how much they meant to me because I was afraid to tell them the truth. 

 3 years ago I almost lost my best friend because of my fear based behavior. Because of my inability to recognize my own truth, my own struggles, and my demons. SHE took a risk in telling me her true feelings about our relationship - the fact that she no longer wanted to be in it! She would have accepted the loss. Her risk in telling me the truth saved my life. In that moment, I too chose to take a risk, to discover what my life would look like outside of my comfort zone, to grow, change and learn, to face my fears and allow the universe to work through me, to transform me into the woman I always longed to be. I had to let go of the thing which had always comforted me (alcohol) and dive into the unknown. 

Over and over again in the past few years I have been challenged, I have been uncomfortable, I have been hurt and I have been heartbroken. I also have experienced happiness, joy, pleasure and excitement of a kind I have never known. The kind of joy where I feel like my heart is bursting out of my chest, happiness where a smile comes so easily, laughter from my soul, the deepest place, and my stomach muscles ache and cheeks hurt. I have felt an inner peace where despite everything happening around me, I feel so connected to my body, my heart, and my spirit. I consistently get to feel connected to a power greater than myself. It is through suffering, through pain, through discomfort and uncertainty that growth occurs. May you always walk through all of this because on the other side freedom awaits.

 I know now what it feels like to let go, to be emotionally vulnerable and to take risks. The most important ones to me are not that I am starting my own business, not that I am leading women's circles in Boston, not that I am stepping into a new role at work, not that I am beginning yoga teacher training in 2 months. The most important ones are when I step into who I am, present that to the world, tell the truth and live in my heart. To speak vulnerably, authentically, and with a realness that I always knew was inside me. That is the greatest risk - to be yourself. Because what if you don't like me? What if you disapprove of my decisions? What if you think I look like a fool? AND, today, what if I don't care? What if I don't need you to like me, or approve, for me to know who I am? What if I love you, care about you, see you, no matter how you feel about me? I have grown into the woman I have longed to be and I know my journey is not nearly over. I was able to enter a relationship, risk loving without being loved in return, and I experienced a love I had never felt before! A love I believe was real because I loved without judgment, without fear, without condition. I learned so much about myself, about relationships as I walked through the difficult conversations, the uncomfortable, insecure feelings, and never once hating who I was. Of course, relationships are messy, and thank god they are because how boring if everything were easy? Where is the risk? I was then able to recognize what kind of partnership I wanted - one who could see me, accept me, and love me for who I am and love themselves enough to be real with me too and take the risks required to make a relationship work. If you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done -- or the same relationships, the same stories will continue to play out over and over again.

Of course to love another is the greatest risk of all! And I believe this provides the greatest reward. The same girl who didn't want to be my friend 3 years ago, called me the other night, to tell me how much she loved me, how much I meant to her, how much she is learning from me and through loving me, is learning about herself. AND she gets to share with me the beautifully vulnerable conversations she is having with her partner which is strengthening their relationship. Was that a risk? I think so, to open up. To let yourself be seen and raw and vulnerable. I participated in a work retreat this week, where every single person in my office shared themselves in a way they never had before. It was scary and uncomfortable, but it was real, and new connections were formed, true intimacy as we all witnessed each other in our various forms. When you share from your heart, there is nothing but LIGHT and love. Huge, unstoppable love. It is when you shine your light, that you give permission for others to do the same.

Please do yourself a favor, do the world a favor, be authentically you - be, do, say, think, feel whatever it is you are feeling, whatever it is you are, and know that this is enough. That you are loved exactly as you are, that there is NOTHING you need to do in order to be loved or accepted. Do the things you think you can't, step out, see what it feels like to live your dream, because today I most certainly am living mine. I am dedicating the rest of my life to taking risks every single day, to recognize the things I want, trusting that I can do absolutely anything. You deserve to have the life you want and you are more than capable of creating it. Risks must be taken. Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. If you risk nothing, do nothing, you dull your spirit. You may avoid suffering and sorrow, but you cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live.

Only if you risk are you free.

Through coaching my purpose is to remind you what you already know, to be the mirror, to be your cheerleader, the one who will root for you over and over again, who will walk with you through whatever it is you are afraid of and to encourage you to grow, feel, change, love and live. I don't have the answers, I have the tools, I have the questions that will lead you to your own answers, your own truth and discovery and I will provide the support to assist you in reaching your own goals and achieving your own dreams. 

Every day I am changing, every day I am stronger, more confident, more free, more me. Practice, practice every day, one step at a time, doing the things that scare you, tell the people you love the truth, let the world see who you are, trust that whatever you are seeking is seeking you, believe that you are not alone, believe that you are amazing.