I knew my heart was breaking. Open

What if today was the first day of the rest of your life?

I want to share what happened to me. How I know now that I am on the right path, that we are so lucky in this world to have access to so many different avenues for healing. I have to share this. Because I want you to know what is possible for you. I want you to know my deepest secrets. I want you to know the truth. I want you to see me. I want the world to see me – because I am ready to live. I am ready to write my story. I’ve got a blank page now. I’ve shared bits and pieces of the old story – the past, the things that have happened that have molded me into the woman I am now. And what I want you to know – that you are not what happened to you. You are who you decide to be. Every second, every moment is a decision. A decision of who you are and who you want to be. You are always deciding. You are always creating and I knew something was happening to me. I knew I was making decisions and I knew that I was ready to choose who I wanted to be – to live the truth that is in my heart and to reveal it to the world. There is one purpose of life – that is freedom. Freedom to be exactly who you are, doing what you love; life is for you to experience in its fullest glory.

“Something’s happening.” That’s all I’ve been able to say over the past two weeks. Something was happening to me. I have embraced the truth. I have been committed to constant self-discovery, self exploration and healing over the past 3 years. I stopped drinking. I began to ask for help. I began to take a good look at myself. I started inner child therapy to heal my trauma from the past and to begin to examine how I was behaving in the world so I could change it. I knew that was what I wanted. To remove the walls around my heart, to choose love over fear, to really go inward. With this knowledge I could discover the things that have been holding me back and journey back to my heart. It has been a process. It has been painful to see some truths about myself. To see how I still let my past define me, how I still play out the same story over and over again. I learned about relationships, I learned about choice, I learned about freedom, I learned how it felt to just LOVE without needing love in return. I took risks, I took chances, I began to step into my power, something I had forgotten I had. While I have been doing a lot of great things, a lot of things I am proud of, there was something still going on. Something I still let hold me back. My old story. That I was a victim. 

Isn’t that where so many people live? "I can’t love again because I’ve been hurt. I can’t take this chance because what if I fail? I can’t do this because my mom told me I wasn’t enough so I believed her. This happened once (this pain) so I need to make sure it doesn’t happen again so I’m not going to do this or this. I can’t stand my boss so that’s why I’m miserable. I don’t have money so I’m just going to sit and complain about it." Blah blah blah. We waste an extraordinary amount of energy blaming other people, places and things for our feelings, behaviors, and actions. We spend a depressing amount of time blaming other people for the way things are.

And guess what? I did it too. I blamed my parents. I blamed my parents for “the way I am.” Whatever that was. And it came up the most in intimate relationship for me. I was influenced by the way my partner felt, I cared a lot about what he was doing, where he was going, etc. I let my whole emotional being be influenced by decisions he was making – instead of making my own. I said “yes” when I wanted to say “no” and no wonder I felt emotionally drained all the time. I started “censoring” myself, behaving how I thought he wanted me to behave, essentially putting myself in a prison. Of course it was painful. It is really hard to love yourself if you can’t be yourself. I walked around in the relationship behaving like I was the lucky one - and felt unworthy of being loved by someone as amazing as him. I have friends who love me for exactly who I am, and they love me and support me in all my ridiculousness (and I am ridiculous) and they tell me the truth. But here I am, in the most sacred relationship there is, blaming. The relationship that I envision to be an unbelievable soul connection, fireworks go off when you walk into the room, the hairs on my arms stand up when he kisses me, celebrating each other, supporting each other in love, allowing each other to be exactly who we each are, laughing and loving each other so much you can’t stand it. That I want to remember how amazing I AM so I cause him to remember how amazing HE is. I don’t need someone to complete me, I love the idea of two people who already feel whole, content, happy and complete coming together to expand the amazing lives they are already living. THAT is what I want. 

I knew I was done. I knew I no longer wanted to live as a victim in my life. This has been the theme of 2012 for me. This transition. This humbling awakening to the way I have been behaving. Over the past two weeks I attended a workshop where I was confronted with this truth, my boyfriend and I broke up for what feels like the millionth time. I want freedom. I knew I had to shift. I knew I wanted to lead other people on this path to self-discovery, to face the truth, and then to be able to let go of their past/limiting beliefs/behaviors and take their power back and start creating their life. After the break up I began to energetically feel myself change. My whole body began to experience various sensations throughout this week. I was having vivid dreams, I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating. I felt as though a huge cinder block of energy was resting on my chest. I had trouble breathing, I had constant headaches and I would fall asleep at night ripping at my chest to try to make the weight go away. This time I wasn’t crying. This time I knew I wanted OUT.  My heart that is. This time I knew I never wanted to walk around in a relationship with a censor. I know I want to storm, I want to be exactly who I am, I want to shine and I never again am going to wait for someone else to give me permission to do so. I don't need permission to do ANYTHING, be anything, think anything, feel anything. 

I felt like my heart was breaking open. Heart birthing rather than breaking. That I knew this was what I wanted. I wanted to be free. Free to love with my whole heart, to make room in my heart, in my body, in my mind to love everyone and everything. If my heart could break open - I would love without expectation or reservation, I wouldn't care what you thought of me, I wouldn't censor who I am or the things I say, I wouldn't try to impress you, I would just love you, give to you gracefully, love would flow out of me as I move toward creating my dreams. I wanted to be “naked” to the world, to let my whole self be seen.

I went to a breathwork workshop Friday, September 14th. My friend invited me 3 weeks ago. I made this plan 3 weeks ago - before the workshop, before the breakup, before this energetic shift. I was reminded tonight that everything is happening in perfect time. And this came right on time. I walked into the room. I started crying when she asked us why we were here. I said I was going through a break up and I wanted a release. Not overwhelming tears, just tears, letting go because I knew this was what I wanted. That no matter how much I missed my boyfriend I had to come to a place of acceptance, and no matter how much it scared me to see who I would be without my “story” I was done. I set the intention to be broken open. I said out loud, break me open. I’m ready. I want all of it gone because I am ready to unleash my heart. So we begin. I have never done breathwork before. This was gentle. She explained the benefits of the body physically, emotionally and spiritually. She played the music and I relaxed into it. 

Breathing in my mouth and out my mouth. Imaging the breath circulating through my body. Slowly, not very deep, not shallow, just calm and conscious. Over and over. I began to feel my body shift and awaken. I began to experience tingling sensations all over my arms and legs and especially across my face and neck. It would happen for 30 seconds or so and then go away. I just kept breathing. The facilitator came over a couple times, holding my hands on my stomach, telling me to breathe, “good” she would say, “great Catherine.” And continue on. There were 6 people in the room. I listened to the music. I let go of expectations of what I thought was going to happen and I just breathed. I was thinking of my ex-boyfriend. Dreaming of him. Missing him. Feeling him on my body. Remembering how it felt to kiss him, touch him. I prayed for God to come into my body. To remind me that love is never lost because love is what I am. And I just kept breathing. At one point I lifted my legs up and put both feet on the ground. She told me to feel my power here. To remember how powerful I am. That I have everything I need. And I did. I asked God to help me again. To see me as he sees me. Perfect. Powerful. I can stand on my own. Soon I really began to feel something. I put my legs back down flat on the ground.

I stopped hearing the music. I thought I was falling asleep. I forgot where I was. I began to lose feeling in my arms. Then I lost feeling in my legs. My hands began to curl. My breath became short. I blacked out. I don’t remember how long that lasted. All I know is I saw nothing, felt nothing, and heard nothing. Within moments I gasped for air and opened my eyes. The facilitator was right there as I sat up and she embraced me. I couldn’t understand how she knew to be there for me. That the moments before I blacked out I was thinking of him. Thinking of how much I needed him to hug me. That I just wanted a hug. And there she was. Ready to hug me. Now I erupted in tears. I didn’t see anything, no images came to mind, but I was crying. I could feel my entire body relax, I could feel how much I just let go, she held me so close, so tight and just kept whispering “you are safe Catherine. You are so loved. You are safe. I’m here. I got you. I’m here.” And I just cried. Soon I could feel my chest lighten and right now as I write this there is no weight on my chest. It was all gone. I couldn’t believe my body. She laid me back down. I kept crying. I tried to find my breath again. She sat down and held my hand. The tears continued to come. Not thinking anything I rolled over and continued to cry. She put her hand on my back and left me there. She then said that the session was coming to an end. How long were we going for? How long did that take? Did I really black out? What the f**k just happened!? I kept crying. Now I was hearing the music. She turned it down. Asked everyone to begin to find movement in their body again. I couldn’t move. The tears started to slowly stop. But I didn’t want to move. I was in the fetal position on the floor. Just breathing. After everyone else got settled she came over to me. 

“Catherine are you ok?”
“Tara,” I said, “I blacked out. What happened? I blacked out, I don't remember anything other than my body seizing.”

She then says, “Catherine. I have been doing breathwork for 10 years and I have only seen what just happened to you about 5 times. You were reborn. You went through the birthing process. The reason your body tensed up is because your body traveled through the birth canal again, you gasped for air because you stopped breathing and yes, you did black out. That is part of the process. I knew to hug you because that is what is needed when a baby is born. A baby needs to be held. You did so good Catherine. Welcome to the world. You are new. Take your time sitting up.” She later shared that she had actually been sitting by me for a few minutes. She felt my body calling to her. She said she just sat and watched me and after a few minutes wondered why the angels had called her to me, and it was in that moment that she watched my body seize up, gasp for air, then open my eyes and lean into her arms. I am never going to forget this - most importantly the way she held space for me. That God knew I would be safe tonight.

5 times in 10 years? Reborn? I get to start over? Did I get my wish? To let go of the past? That it no longer matters what happened to me and right now, in this moment I can decide what I want to do and who I want to be? In this moment? Wow, yes, I can. I laid there for about 10 more minutes as the rest of the group circled up. Thank you God. Still processing what has happened I began to move my arms and legs and slowly sat up. I couldn’t believe how light my body felt, how free I felt. I wanted to be near everyone. I wanted more hugs. As I write this now I feel more powerful and free than I have ever felt in my life. I am no longer a sexual assault victim or an abused child. I’m Just Catherine. Magnificent, powerful, remarkable, beautiful, kind, compassionate, generous, loving, fierce, sexy, free, confident, smart, capable, and excited to live. 

I shared about my intention. I shared about how I wanted to release the past. I shared about how I wanted my heart to be broken open and I got my wish. She looked at me and said “You most certainly have done the work to get here, to this moment now.” She then said, in the 5 times she has witnessed this, usually the muscle tension lasts for minutes, but she said I came “out” in seconds. Seconds I was ready to be born. And you know what? I am ready. I am ready to live my life. That God has given me the chances over and over again and I have stepped up to them each time. I have been unafraid. I am healing. I embraced my inner child, I am doing the physical healing on my body through yoga and body work, I have gone to the seminars to gain control over my mind, but breathwork? This was something I wasn’t prepared for. Thank you God for my friend for suggesting this, thank you God for my perfect timing. I am reminded of the work I have done to be able to get here. To this moment now.

I know now how important it is to just breathe. And that maybe you don’t need to go through what I just did. You don’t need to have a “process” in order to be reborn again. You can just decide. This was how God wanted it to be for me. I went through it like this so I could help you decide. So I could share my story, my experience, my strength and hope for you to begin living the life you dream of. To start letting yourself shine and we will support you in all your glory. No one wins by playing small. We are meant to shine. And shine I will. So today begins the first day of the rest of my life. My story is one yet to be written. 

Watch out world, here I come.

I am responsible

I am responsible for myself
I am responsible for living or not living my life
I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being
I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs
I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve
I am responsible for my choices
I am responsible for what I give and receive
I am responsible for setting and achieving my goals
I am responsible for how much I enjoy life
I am responsible for how much pleasure I find in daily activities
I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love
I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me
I am responsible for my wants and desires
All of me, every aspect of my being, is important
I count for something
I matter
My feelings can be trusted
My thinking is appropriate
I value my wants and needs
I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment
The decisions I make and the way I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem
My decisions will take into account my responsibilities to myself
My decisions will also take into account my responsibilities to other people
Others have the right to live their lives as they see fit
I live my life responsibly and I allow others to live their lives as they choose

Sometimes we forget

Sometimes we forget
That we are enough.
That we have enough.
That we do enough.

Sometimes we forget
That we are so lucky to be alive
That life is precious
That everyone has a story
That we all belong to each other

Sometimes we forget
That love is never lost
Love is what we are

Sometimes we forget
That we have choice
The we can start over
That we have second chances
That tomorrow might not come
That the past is gone
That this moment is all there is

Sometimes we forget
That it's ok to cry
That it's ok, to not be ok
That it will be ok
That it already is

Sometimes we forget
That our dreams have value
That we deserve to have them come true
That we have the power to make them come true
That anything is possible

Sometimes we forget
that sometimes we forget
and that's why we have each other

Will you jump?

I’m at the edge of the diving board. All the way up to the top. I’ve been walking up the ladder the past few months and now I’m there. Standing on the edge. Looking out at the pool. Looking down at the water. How I felt at summer camp when I was 12 years old. My toes curled around the edge. Here I am. I glance behind me, there’s the ladder. I can go back down. Or I can jump.

FEAR is the only thing that holds people back from doing anything their heart desires. Fear is what keeps people out of relationships, keeps people running away in relationships, fear is what keeps us stuck. Fear is what keeps me from unleashing everything in my heart, spreading and sharing the abundance of love and joy and playfulness that lies within me. 

Fear of what it looks like when I no longer identify as a victim of my childhood. A childhood filled with abuse, uncertainty, distrust, chaos, fear.  I would be loved one day, next day to be hiding under the bed scared out of my mind because my mom was banging down the door to find me. Beaten. Told to shut up as I laughed and expressed joy. Called a bitch at 6 years old. Compared to other girls in school and I was asked why I couldn’t be more like them. So what happened? What did I choose to hear? I’m not enough exactly as I am. I cannot trust love –and that if I am loved it will be taken away. That there is not enough. That I have to DO something in order to be loved. 

I have been on a healing journey for about 3 years now. Opening my heart, breaking down the walls, learning how to meet my own needs, building self love and therefore building my capacity to love others. I have had remarkable relationships. I have amazing friends. I just dated the most phenomenal man I have ever known. I am constantly learning, growing, changing AND becoming more aware still of the unhealed wounds of the past that continue to show up in relationship. The past two weeks I have felt myself fighting, desperately, to let go of these beliefs. The belief that I can’t trust love.  The belief that I am not enough. The belief that I don’t have a voice. The belief that my dreams and my needs don’t matter. It is no longer anyone else’s job to take care of me. It is my job to take care of me. It is my job to like me.  It is my job to be honest in relationships. It is my job to trust who I am, to know who I am. 

When do the weakest parts of ourselves show up? When faced with uncertainty. YES. Uncertainty. That’s when you see the dark side. Can you sit with it? Can you remember who you are in these moments? Can you remember your faith? Can you remember your certainty in yourself? Can you choose to look at the situation differently? I have been on a roller coaster of uncertainty with my partner the past few weeks. Where will he live in the next few months? Where will I live? What do I want? This uncertainty has led me to not be able to trust him, constantly changing his mind; then unable to trust myself and I became consumed by this ONE thing. This one thing when everything else was so great. It seemed our uncertainty about the future and our inability to comfort each other through it led to the end of our relationship. There is no calm in the storm. 

I had dinner with my friend today. A long lost friend I haven’t spoken to in almost a year. She shared with me that her boyfriend suffered from a heart attack in February. He has continued to have heart issues since then, so much so that every day is “uncertain” in that his heart is failing. They don’t know what will happen. That means that every day they actually do deal with this together – that he could potentially not wake up the next day. Now THAT is uncertainty. I’m sitting there listening to her saying to myself… wow… and I’ve been worried about where my boyfriend is going to live. Really Catherine?! I’ve been so insecure, so worried, so consumed by my childhood – forgetting I have a voice, forgetting that I choose to have certainty of LOVE. That all I want – I imagine we all want, the partner who will say “I love you no matter what. I will love you through the storm. I LOVE YOU, of that I am certain.”

The uncertainty of life doesn’t matter when you are CERTAIN in loving your partner and loving who YOU are. I was in awe and admiration of her devotion, love and dedication to her partner. The way she was moved to tears she talked about that event in February and how it’s been for her now. Continuing to show up and just love this man through every difficulty. I was so moved by this I could feel the impact on my heart of that kind of love and devotion.

You stop focusing on the things you can’t control and focus on the things you CAN. Like the ability to love. Your ability to make a decision, one day at a time, with the things that are in front of you. Your ability to choose. My ability to choose. To choose to love. To share my story with the world. To start my own business. To take risks. To choose to be a SURVIVOR of my past and a CREATOR of the present and future. An agent of change. I am certain I love my partner. I am certain I love me too. I am certain of the uncertain. I am certain that I will continue to love him and I am now certain of the kind of relationship I want. Will I ever be perfect? No. Will I forget sometimes? Yes. And one day I’ll get to have a man by my side to help me remember. The gift is that I get to wake up tomorrow ready to embrace the unknown, combined with my capacity to make a huge splash in my life. I am ready right now, to let go of the past, to let go of old beliefs that are longer serving me, to show up as the phenomenal woman I am in all my life – especially my intimate relationship. 

Are you ready to take control of your life? To be responsible? To get EXCITED about your ability to change your life? Wake up. 

I am creating. I am growing.  I am changing my life. I am responsible. And it feels SO GOOD.

I jumped. Will you?

Dear Human

Dear Human:

You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And you do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s PLENTY.
-- Courtney A. Walsh