I have spent a lot of time thinking about starting a blog. I have found a million and one reasons to keep putting it off: wondering about what you’ll think of me, when the “right time” will be, whether people will read it, what I want my message to be, etc. I believe at the end of the day, everything is happening right on schedule. I believe that my idea for a blog was leading up to this point. I had an experience today that propelled me to believe that this is not only the right time, I was given the answer to what I want my message to be and from what frame I want to tell my story.
Who am I? I’m Catherine. 3 years ago I met one of my best friends, Andy. He asked me, “What’s your nickname?” I said, “I don’t have one, I’m just Catherine.” So Just Catherine, JC, became my nickname. Of course, I am so much more than just Catherine, but I’d like it to keep it that simple. To give you my authentic self, to tell the truth as I share my story, my experience, my knowledge, my strength, my passion, my hope, and my heart with all of you.
I am 24 years old. I grew up in Albany, NY. I have two parents, who are still together and two younger sisters. I went to college at American University in Washington, DC. I have a Master’s degree in Public Health. I am a feminist. I’m liberal. I’m an athlete. I’m a runner. I’m a yogi. I’m sober. That’s what’s on the surface. If you were to see me you would see a girl with light brown hair, dark eyebrows and light skin, dark brown eyes, about 5’2” and an athletic build. But what’s under that is love. What you don’t see: A heart that is full, big enough and strong enough to love all of you, energy. A soul that has been to hell and back; a spirit that breathes new life in each and every moment; a mind that is constantly working and learning and discovering and uncovering.
The human brain is really quite fascinating. It is amazing that all you have to do is THINK a certain thought and it becomes a reality. You are what you believe you are; I’ve learned that. For most of my life, I believed I was a piece of shit. So that was my reality. I believed that no one loved me, that I didn’t deserve love, I believed there was not enough love to go around; that I was ugly, stupid, unwanted, unworthy. I went through my life that way- fearful. Afraid of not being good enough, of not being pretty enough, of not being smart enough, of not getting what I wanted or what I dreamed of, of the good things in my life being taken away from me. I was afraid of my parents. To escape this fear, I turned to alcohol. When I was drunk I was unafraid. When I was drunk I could escape all of the fears that permeated my thoughts and overwhelmed my brain and my body. With alcohol I was numb. When I was drunk I was free, yet a prisoner. I would eventually sober up, wake up from the dream, only to get drunk again.
I woke up on July 1, 2009. My sobriety date. Since then I have stayed awake. Because for the first time in my life I chose love over fear. And that’s just it. I had a conversation today where it became so clear to me—the difference between love and fear. Tony Robbins says “you can’t be grateful and fearful at the same time.” You can’t be full of love and full of fear at the same time. You can’t see with eyes of love and be afraid. Every moment, every thought, every decision is either in the track of love or the track of fear. My parents who hit me and yelled at me were just afraid. I was a scared little girl who was growing up in a world I didn’t know how to handle because I didn’t learn how to.
I always believed in love and it was this abstract concept, this fairytale, make-believe. I read all the romance novels of Nicholas Sparks, watched all the movies which painted love into this beautiful, untouchable, unfathomable treasure of which I could never possibly experience. It also told me that you needed another person to experience love, of which I now know not to be true. On July 1, 2009 my best friend Emily gave me my first clear example of love. She was an amazing friend; she cared about me and we had a lot of fun together. I believed she loved me before July 1, 2009 but it was only on this day when I really experienced and ACCEPTED it. She’s amazing: smart and kind and the most thoughtful person I have ever known. I looked up to her and admired her…and 99% of the time during our friendship I always felt like I didn’t deserve her or wondered why she was possibly friends with someone like me? On July 1, 2009 she said she couldn’t be my friend anymore. She said my drinking scared her and she didn’t know who I was and that the way I let men treat me was not the way she wanted to be treated and therefore couldn’t spend time with me when we were out. She said she no longer had a desire to be in my life. She said what no one else could say. In the end of my drinking my other “friends” just dropped off… they didn’t participate in our relationship anymore, they didn’t tell me the truth, they just ran away and stopped calling or responding to text messages. But Emily, Emily loved me enough to tell me the truth. To tell me what she was feeling, what she was experiencing and loved herself enough to not let anyone treat her the way I was treating her.
Love is the truth. Love is telling the person you love the truth, without being afraid of what they think or what they’ll say or whether they will judge you or criticize you. I had a conversation with my partner today where he loved me enough to tell me the truth about what he was feeling, even though it might hurt me. And I got to love him through his fear and bring him back to love, to remember love, to see with eyes of love.
Love is what I choose as I write this blog; to be unafraid of your criticism or judgment. I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous fearful, afraid of everything! Afraid of a life without love, afraid of being without alcohol, afraid of losing Emily, afraid of continuing to lose myself…but I was guided by love and it was through the people of this program that I learned about love. To love without expecting anything in return. People said hello, people stayed up all night on the phone with me as I cried, people went to meetings with me after only knowing me for one hour and they never needed anything from me in return. That’s how this amazing program works, through giving of oneself to others without expecting anything in return, without recognition or thanks or pay.
One of my favorite authors, brilliant Marianne Williamson talks about this. Love versus fear. “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here.” Love comes easily and naturally, we are born with that ability. You don’t have to learn HOW to love. We were created on purpose, with purpose, from love. “To experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.”
Fear is what we learn. We learn competition, struggle, sickness, limitation, guilt, loss… I love the idea that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Gosh isn’t that the truth. Every moment you are moving towards love or fear. Love: kindness, giving, mercy, compassion, peace, joy, acceptance, non-judgment, forgiveness, intimacy. And you know, you know which direction you are moving in. Fear is expressed in a number of ways: anger, abuse, pain, greed, selfishness, addiction, obsession, violence…when I am feeling any of those things I now able to pause, recognize that under all of it is just fear and then I can turn to faith, to love.
Fear kept me in my addiction, fear kept me from experiencing real love and healthy relationships. Fear led me to experience 5 sexual assaults. Fear helped me push everyone I cared about away from me, and led me to choose to poison my body every single day. Fear kept me miserable, always worrying about the future rather than enjoying the present moments of my life. And not all of my life has been horrible. But love? Love has allowed me to be there for others, to ask for help, to forgive my parents, to treat people respectfully and see the goodness that lies in every single person, love brought me to God, love brought me to my boyfriend (the most amazing partner I could have ever dreamed of), love helps me stay patient and open to the possibilities of my life, love helps me stay positive and grateful. Love is where I want to be, every single day. I want to do what I love and I am on a journey right now to find out just where and what that is; where I will be the most useful. I want the experience of love every day, all day for the rest of my life. To be light and love for others and help you to see the love that lies within you.
So the next time you find yourself angry, depressed, guilty, or when you want to run away or escape ask yourself what am I afraid of? Then say… where is the love?! How can I bring LOVE to this situation?
And so begins my journey; our journey on this blog.
Just Catherine
