Love is action and presence

3 years ago I knew very little about love. That's not to say I didn't experience it, from friends and family members but I didn’t understand how to love myself, therefore I couldn’t possibly have truly loved another, and I did not feel worthy of being loved. I may have thought I had an idea, and I loved my friends and family as best as I could, but as I come up on my 3 year anniversary of sobriety, a time of true reflection, the most impactful and the most beautiful gifts of my life have been my relationships. 

For me, life is about relationships, connections, love. Love is the only thing that matters.  My friends and my family fuel my heart. My whole heart. I surround myself with people today who inspire me to BE ME and help me to see that that is enough. Those are the ONLY kinds of people I spend time with. I have the most amazing friends and family members I could have possibly asked for – and every day I wake up wondering if I will meet someone new, consistently longing for connection with others, to learn about others and right now to be a part of a movement in shifting the world to heart centered living and heart centered connection because it just truly is all there is. 

Recently I have really embraced impermanence. Life is happening in moments, in days, one at a time. Yesterday is gone and who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. I have embraced uncertainty so much that I crave it, the wonder and the excitement of the unknown and I am open to receiving whatever the spirit of the universe has planned for me. It’s so exciting that I have no idea what will happen. I don’t try to confine myself to anything, NO RULES, I don’t try to attach to anything because nothing lasts forever. What matters is how I FEEL in my heart and how I connect. What matters to me is WHO matters to me. All of the people that are going to show up for me on Sunday morning when I get my medallion. All of the people who taught me about love. Love is action and presence. 

Action. When you love someone, you DO things for them. We live in a world right now where “I love you” is thrown around, it’s become so casual that we’ve forgotten what it means. Love is action – when I look around at the people in my life I don’t have to question whether I am loved because they SHOW ME.  How? They pick up the phone when I call. They come to movies with me even though they may not want to. They stay up all night when I’ve just had a break up and I’m crying my eyes out even though they have to wake up the next morning for work. They buy me cards on my birthday and on Christmas, they take me to the grocery store because I don’t have a car, they remember my anniversary/birthday without me telling them, they pick me up from the airport, they sometimes drive 3+ hours to come pick me up after I’ve had a bad night, they come to meetings when I am speaking, they listen when I speak, and they do these things for me without expecting something in return. We don’t DO things for people expecting something in return and then call it love. You don’t expect love, you give love, and you love someone so much that it actually brings you joy to DO things for them. It’s not just buying gifts, it’s tricky there, but for me everything that motivates me in my life right now is love. That I’m happy when my friends are happy, I’m happy when you’re happy, and I would do anything for you. That’s just it. I would do anything for my friends. 

Presence.

Presence is an action in and of itself. Don’t freaken tell me you love me and then sit down at dinner with me and be on the phone/texting. Don’t tell me you love me and never call me. Don't tell me you love me and not make time for me. Time. Your time is your life. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time. As someone who FEELS everything and often stumbles on words (I’m not kidding, my coach keeps making fun of me, it’s hard for me to be in my head!) just saying  I love you, saying you are important to me means nothing. We must prove that relationships are important to us. Relationships take time and effort and the best way to spell love is TIME. The essence of love is not what we think or do provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves. Authenticity is my core value. My number one. It is essentially the only way I can connect right now—honesty and truth. It’s the only true connection, the one that comes from the heart. This is when words matter – when you tell the truth, when you truly reveal to someone how much they mean to you. When you truly reveal YOURSELF to another. I meet someone’s ego right now and it’s like hitting a wall, I feel nothing! And I don’t do well when I feel nothing. I sometimes say “come on, give me something!” Meaning giving me YOU. What are you doing hiding in there? I want YOU. I want your eyes, your time, your attention, your focus, your heart. Focused attention. Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself in that moment. Attention says “I value you enough to give you my most precious asset-my time." Time is the only thing we can't get MORE of, we have a set amount. What we do with our time MATTERS. Not only giving our time to others, but to ourselves! If we love ourselves we make time for OURSELVES in addition to the people we love. Love means yielding my presences, comfort, goals, security, money, energy or time for the benefit of someone else. My friends do that for me. I learned about love through people who gave me their time over the past 3 years. Who spent TIME with me when I was struggling the most, who spent hours on the phone with me, long Saturday afternoons and evenings, who looked me in the eye when I was speaking, who helped me to feel like I mattered, helped me to feel like I was not alone, held the space for me to be imperfect, to be vulnerable, to be real. I learned about self love through making time for myself to work out, meditate, journal, read, sleep. Relationships are the only thing that matters. What’s going to happen on Sunday? My friends are going to show up. And I have never, ever in my life felt more loved than I do right now. 

This is dedicated to all of my friends and my family. For your eyes, for your heart, for your focused attention, for your time. For helping me to see that I’m worth it, that I am deserving, that I am enough. When I am around you I feel unstoppable, I feel beautiful, I feel inspired, I feel powerful, I feel like my heart is bursting out of my chest and that I could run around the world with all of the energy you provide me with. I feel like I could fly. I feel loved.

If you met your soulmate, would you be ready?

“It amazes me that people think their soul mate is going to show up in their life at this predestined time and be this flawless person. A true soul mate is a mirror of yourself, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. Sure, they have a common upbringing, similar interests but they have the one thing you don’t have which is the introspection to help you become great. What use is a soul mate if they can’t help free you from yourself so you can live your life mission?”
― Shannon L. Alder

Feel it. All of it.

FEELINGS.

Amazing really, the LENGTHS we go to to avoid them. I'm also remembering just how exhausting it is to pretend to be someone you're not. I've begun to share my story  -- my past debilitating fear of not being enough, the pure avoidance of feelings that led me to turn to alcohol to completely numb out any feeling and never allow me to recognize the beauty and joy of life - total disconnection from self. Today I feel so unbelievably blessed I MUST share my story and experience of how I got to the other side. 3 years later, with exposure to so many tools, so many people, so much personal development, so much WORK, I really needed to share and remind you of a few things.

YOU ARE HUMAN. So therefore, YOU HAVE FEELINGS. and you WILL make mistakes. You WILL experience NEGATIVE AND INSECURE THOUGHTS, you WILL be heartbroken, you WILL experience loss, you WILL be disappointed sometimes. And all the energy that you spend PUSHING these experiences out, denying these feelings, beating yourself up over how you "should" be feeling (IT IS BULLSHIT TO FEEL HAPPY ALL THE TIME. STAY AWAY FROM THOSE PEOPLE) is HARMING you more than you can possibly realize. I KNOW cause I DID it. I was empty, I ached, I was lost.

The SECOND you are unwilling to experience whatever it is you are feeling, you become powerless and OWNED by your emotions. Denying them does not equal control over them, convincing yourself to feel something other than whatever it is you are feeling in that particular MOMENT does not equal control or courage and actually hinders your ability to influence your life and anyone else's. We relate to what's REAL, and what's REAL is whatever it is you ARE. and the true gift is that when you actually ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL it (the disappointment, the sadness, the loss, the grief, the anger) IT DOESN'T LAST VERY LONG. But when you DENY it, when you push it away, it just builds on itself and then will most certainly manifest in one way or another sometime. TRUE FREEDOM is the ability to acknowledge whatever it is you are feeling, own it, WALK THROUGH IT (preferably with others) and then you get to come out on the other side. On the other side is PURE JOY, pure excitement and passion and enthusiasm and energy and LOVE. You get STRONGER than before by walking through it. We worry when you SIT in this, when you sit in the depression or the sadness and transfer to the self-pity side - that's when we worry, but if you are just acknowledging it, feeling it, and walking through it, then we meet you there and walk with you.

I am walking through this RIGHT NOW. It has been barely 2 months since my boyfriend and I broke up. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Some days really freaken SUCK. and I'm sad! and I miss him! and I cry my eyes out! and then the next day, I WAKE UP AND I'M FREE AGAIN! The most miserable days I've had are when I have felt like I SHOULD be over it, or I SHOULD be happy or I SHOULD be feeling anything other than whatever it is I am feeling. That's when I'm the most miserable. So if I'm feeling down, I call my friends and either just talk or go BE with them or I journal and allow myself to feel and then it goes away, and I feel free and I feel taken care of by the spirit of the universe and I can walk forward one step at a time. AND I would MUCH RATHER BE LOVED FOR EXACTLY WHO I AM, than pretending to be someone I'm not. I most certainly want a partner that recognizes his humanness as well as my own. I want (and do) surround myself with people who allow me to be whatever it is I am, and I love them for being whatever it is they are. This is real love. (and eventually the roller coaster will coast in smoothly!)

What feelings are you denying? What feelings are you refusing to experience? What are you walking through? Are you telling anyone about it? I will walk with you! You are not alone.

Second reminder (ok, remindERS): 
YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU DO ENOUGH. YOU HAVE ENOUGH. 

Another big problem of a head full of personal development is the constant drive to DO more, BE more, ACHIEVE more, just run run run run run! This is EXHAUSTING. I just had a week where I tried to DO as much as I could to (of course) avoid what I was feeling (can't believe I'm still SAD!). Thank GOD it barely took a week for me to totally crash and burn and feel totally OUT of control and depleted of energy. I was able to recognize this, be honest about it, ASK FOR HELP and then spend a weekend getting back on track. ie SLEEPING and cleaning my room, and taking some time to just BE and cry and relax. and of course, now today I feel amazing and am wide awake at midnight writing this blog.

You are enough JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. and life is about ENJOYMENT. If you are RUNNING and filling your schedule with stuff, how are you enjoying life? If you achieve your goals/dreams/whatever and then there is NO ONE standing by your side to jump up and down with or no way that you can PAUSE and take it in and recognize that not only did you just achieve your goal, you had help along the way from the universe, what good is that/where is the HUMILITY? OR if once you achieve something you are already running onto the next thing, that's exhausting and really where will you be at the end of your life? I'm a life coach, I know all about goals and I know how important it is to recognize that you can achieve them, you can in fact do ANYTHING you want to --- and I also know that the most joy I have felt is when I am living in my heart, when I am real, when I actually listen to my heart on what it is that I want! I found my purpose  because I found WORK that is in alignment with exactly who I am and my role is to SERVE and assist you in finding that alignment as well. FOR YOU. Not what works for me, not what works for your friends, not what works for Tony Robbins (haha) FOR YOU.

I don't want to be ANYONE except me today and I hope the same for you. It is exhausting to be someone you're not, and why waste one second of energy trying to be SOMEONE ELSE? Because you are enough, you are unique, there is NO ONE exactly like you! You MUST look within your heart to discover what is true for you, what gives your life meaning, what excites you. I am on top of the world when I connect with people, it is truly when I feel most alive. I also feel alive when I'm writing, when I'm doing yoga, when I'm learning... but mostly, what makes my heart sing is when I am coaching, when I am connecting, when I am LOVING and SERVING others. Freedom is enjoying the gifts of my life, expressing gratitude, slowing down and recognizing the power that things are happening EXACTLY as they are supposed to. Being who you are, responding to each moment as it comes, THIS IS ENOUGH. I don't need to make headlines (nor do you) or save the world (that's not the point, save yourself - which in turn will save the world) in order to validate my existence (and neither do you).

So I'll say it again.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
YOU HAVE ENOUGH.
YOU DO ENOUGH.

and you are human. EMBRACE it. Enjoy it.

Are you running? Stop. Look around. Life is happening NOW. You can take steps towards your goals, but make sure you aren't missing the moments, the people, the love. 

To live is to risk dying

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far it is possible to go.”  

T.S. Eliot

I know that in this moment, I am who I am because of the risks I have taken. Not only in the past 3 years of my life, or the past year, or in the past week, but daily the way I choose to bring myself in the world: unafraid, free, open, and vulnerable. I feel safe in my heart today, in a way I have never felt before. I know the truth of who I am and am committed to the fact that it is an ongoing discovery process. I embrace the fact that I am always changing, growing, learning and loving more every day. I want to write about risks. I want to write and reflect on how growth occurs, and  WHY I have changed/grown so much in the past year. It is all because I took tremendous risks and did a tremendous amount of work! 

Risk - the potential for loss or an undesired outcome. 

Most of my life I had stayed in the comfort zone, the box that I convinced myself was "safe." Through this I made tremendous sacrifices - gave up on many relationships (or rather, just never tried to have any), I gave up a running scholarship, I didn't apply to a certain graduate school because I was afraid I wouldn't get in, and there are certain people no longer in my life that never knew how much they meant to me because I was afraid to tell them the truth. 

 3 years ago I almost lost my best friend because of my fear based behavior. Because of my inability to recognize my own truth, my own struggles, and my demons. SHE took a risk in telling me her true feelings about our relationship - the fact that she no longer wanted to be in it! She would have accepted the loss. Her risk in telling me the truth saved my life. In that moment, I too chose to take a risk, to discover what my life would look like outside of my comfort zone, to grow, change and learn, to face my fears and allow the universe to work through me, to transform me into the woman I always longed to be. I had to let go of the thing which had always comforted me (alcohol) and dive into the unknown. 

Over and over again in the past few years I have been challenged, I have been uncomfortable, I have been hurt and I have been heartbroken. I also have experienced happiness, joy, pleasure and excitement of a kind I have never known. The kind of joy where I feel like my heart is bursting out of my chest, happiness where a smile comes so easily, laughter from my soul, the deepest place, and my stomach muscles ache and cheeks hurt. I have felt an inner peace where despite everything happening around me, I feel so connected to my body, my heart, and my spirit. I consistently get to feel connected to a power greater than myself. It is through suffering, through pain, through discomfort and uncertainty that growth occurs. May you always walk through all of this because on the other side freedom awaits.

 I know now what it feels like to let go, to be emotionally vulnerable and to take risks. The most important ones to me are not that I am starting my own business, not that I am leading women's circles in Boston, not that I am stepping into a new role at work, not that I am beginning yoga teacher training in 2 months. The most important ones are when I step into who I am, present that to the world, tell the truth and live in my heart. To speak vulnerably, authentically, and with a realness that I always knew was inside me. That is the greatest risk - to be yourself. Because what if you don't like me? What if you disapprove of my decisions? What if you think I look like a fool? AND, today, what if I don't care? What if I don't need you to like me, or approve, for me to know who I am? What if I love you, care about you, see you, no matter how you feel about me? I have grown into the woman I have longed to be and I know my journey is not nearly over. I was able to enter a relationship, risk loving without being loved in return, and I experienced a love I had never felt before! A love I believe was real because I loved without judgment, without fear, without condition. I learned so much about myself, about relationships as I walked through the difficult conversations, the uncomfortable, insecure feelings, and never once hating who I was. Of course, relationships are messy, and thank god they are because how boring if everything were easy? Where is the risk? I was then able to recognize what kind of partnership I wanted - one who could see me, accept me, and love me for who I am and love themselves enough to be real with me too and take the risks required to make a relationship work. If you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done -- or the same relationships, the same stories will continue to play out over and over again.

Of course to love another is the greatest risk of all! And I believe this provides the greatest reward. The same girl who didn't want to be my friend 3 years ago, called me the other night, to tell me how much she loved me, how much I meant to her, how much she is learning from me and through loving me, is learning about herself. AND she gets to share with me the beautifully vulnerable conversations she is having with her partner which is strengthening their relationship. Was that a risk? I think so, to open up. To let yourself be seen and raw and vulnerable. I participated in a work retreat this week, where every single person in my office shared themselves in a way they never had before. It was scary and uncomfortable, but it was real, and new connections were formed, true intimacy as we all witnessed each other in our various forms. When you share from your heart, there is nothing but LIGHT and love. Huge, unstoppable love. It is when you shine your light, that you give permission for others to do the same.

Please do yourself a favor, do the world a favor, be authentically you - be, do, say, think, feel whatever it is you are feeling, whatever it is you are, and know that this is enough. That you are loved exactly as you are, that there is NOTHING you need to do in order to be loved or accepted. Do the things you think you can't, step out, see what it feels like to live your dream, because today I most certainly am living mine. I am dedicating the rest of my life to taking risks every single day, to recognize the things I want, trusting that I can do absolutely anything. You deserve to have the life you want and you are more than capable of creating it. Risks must be taken. Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. If you risk nothing, do nothing, you dull your spirit. You may avoid suffering and sorrow, but you cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live.

Only if you risk are you free.

Through coaching my purpose is to remind you what you already know, to be the mirror, to be your cheerleader, the one who will root for you over and over again, who will walk with you through whatever it is you are afraid of and to encourage you to grow, feel, change, love and live. I don't have the answers, I have the tools, I have the questions that will lead you to your own answers, your own truth and discovery and I will provide the support to assist you in reaching your own goals and achieving your own dreams. 

Every day I am changing, every day I am stronger, more confident, more free, more me. Practice, practice every day, one step at a time, doing the things that scare you, tell the people you love the truth, let the world see who you are, trust that whatever you are seeking is seeking you, believe that you are not alone, believe that you are amazing.

A few things I need you to know and remember

 

You are AMAZING

You are ENOUGH

When you smile, it lights up the world

 

You are NOT broken and there is NOTHING wrong with you 

 

There is nothing you need to do or be in order to be loved

 

YOU ARE LOVE  and deserve love

 

You were BORN WORTHY, there is no need to ever question it

 

You are uniquely you, and you are absolutely perfect at being you 

You do not need to be afraid

You are NOT ALONE

You have everything you need

 

You are right where you are supposed to be

 

Everything in your life you have experienced is for your learning and growth

You can DO ANYTHING

 

You have never failed, you have always done the best you could  

 

You have SO MUCH to be grateful for 

Your HEART is a safe space, a beautiful place from which to live

The world is a better place because you are in it 

 

I believe in you 

I LOVE YOU (exactly as you are) and there is nothing you can do about it 

Choose love

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.

-John Lennon

The purpose of life is not to be happy

The purpose life is not to be happy. The purpose of life is TO BE FREE.
Free to live in the truth of who you are, to choose what makes YOU happy. 

This is the million dollar question - What is the purpose of life? There are hundreds of books written about this. Many people continue to seek the answers to this question, to seek the “right” or “wrong” answer in fact. What I am about to write about is merely my attitude toward life, my idea of what it means to have a purpose, my truth to answer this question and I don’t need you to approve or agree. What I ask and what I hope is that you will consider it, with an open mind, and choose whether or not it resonates with you, whether or not it is true for you. 

Purpose.  Aaccording to the dictionary, purpose is - “the reason for which something exists” – “an intended or desired result.” The reason you exist is because you were created by the universe, as a perfect, flawless, brilliant human being and you were not created by accident! How does it feel to admire a baby? A new born baby? Beautiful right? SO beautiful, so perfect, untouched by fear or doubt or insecurity or discomfort or judgment or worry about what others may think. New life is so spectacular. We were all perfect, beautiful little babies once – imagine what life would look like if we all saw each other as children? As perfect, flawless, FREE children? I believe now that the “intended or desired result” over the course of our lives is to be born into our essence, go through wounds and build an ego, only to break it back down again so that every day we can get back to our essence. The purpose of life is to every day live freely, live with the courage and vulnerability of a child. 

What is our essence? How we feel when there are no walls, no wounds, no ego. When we are born we are in our essence because we are light, we have not yet been wounded. But as we grow up, wounds occur, because that’s what happens! The wounds add a layer over our essence, protecting it. The wounds are things like: when our parents do something we don’t like, or worse our parents hurt us physically, we fall off the monkey bars, we experience bullying from other children (who have been wounded themselves), we are rejected from our high school boyfriend or girlfriend, we struggle to find our way in college, we are abandoned… and the list goes on. These wounds strengthen the ego. The wounds create the ego. Ego is the hard shell that covers the wounds, which protects the essence.  

A child is born without any knowledge, any consciousness of his/her own self. And when a child is born the first thing it becomes aware of is not himself; the first thing he becomes aware of is the OTHER. It’s relationship to the other. When children are born they actually do not see themselves as separate. It’s a process that they go through in learning that their arm is actually their own, not their moms, and that they are actually separate from the table, the floor, the sky, etc. Ego – ego SEPARATES us from the other! The process of wounding keeps us in separation. Ego: the reflection, what others think. That’s the ego, that’s the drive. Our ego is driven by what others think – am I appreciated? Do you like me? Do you think I’m pretty? Do you think I’m smart? Do you think I’m worthy? It is driven by delusion, driven by fear. Yet it serves us right? The ego is essential, for awhile. Sometimes our ego saves our lives in teaching us how to self preserve against someone or something that is hurting us. But I truly think it now serves no purpose whatsoever. Ego thinks in terms of guilt, shame, and glories of the past. It also thinks in terms of fear and always about the future. It focuses on scarcity, not abundance, it focuses on the differences amongst others, making you either feel superior or inferior, it never thinks about what “is” – always “what was” and “what could be.” It always, always keeps us separate. 

How do you feel when you meet someone new for the first time? Are you open and friendly or are you “shy” and aloof? What do you think that’s about? If you were free, if you were living from your heart and were open to connecting with others focusing on HOW you could connect and be similar…do you think you’d be shy? The ego keeps you “shy” – the ego keeps you separate. Shy is a delusion, that’s the story, you’re shy. That’s not the truth. The truth is that you are a REMARKABLE human being, who has something to offer others because you were created ON purpose, you are a child of the universe, and you are uniquely you and how horrible to not be able to share it with other people. The ego helps you judge the other, judge how you should or should not behave to determine whether this person will accept you, whether or not they will like you, etc.  Ego always thinks in terms of “I.” My mom used to laugh at me when I was a child because I would talk to EVERYONE. I would just walk up to people and start a conversation, I was curious, I was FREE! I would disappear in the grocery store only for her later to find me in deep conversation with a total stranger about who knows what – this was at like 4, 5, 6 years old. I was free – I was able to be myself. 

The purpose of life is NOT to be happy because 1. That means happiness is something to be achieved. If it is something to be achieved it means there's a process of getting there. With happiness that is not true. Process of this furthers the FALSE BELIEF of the “if/when” statements. If I had a partner I would be happy. If I had more money I’d be happy. When I have more time on my hands I’ll be happy. When I finish this or that I’ll be happy. When I get a new job I’ll be happy. Happiness is NOT something to be achieved. Happiness is a CHOICE. Happiness is a state of mind. Happiness is gratitude—the ability to see things for what they are, appreciate what IS (no ego!) and in every moment of your life you have that choice. To choose happiness, choose gratitude. And 2. Happiness is not the purpose of life because that is self centered! That’s EGO! The ego is saying this is my drive, be happy, do whatever it takes to be happy (again, as if it’s something to be achieved). I used to think alcohol made me happy. I used to think attention from men made me happy. Or a fancy, expensive pair of jeans contributed to my happiness. (EGO cares about what brand your jeans are, when you were a child did you care about what you wore? No.) No, those things did not contribute to my happiness. They weren’t real. What’s real? Do you really think you can be happy ALL THE TIME? Or at least this, that happiness will be the ONLY thing you feel? I don’t want to feel happy ALL THE TIME. That’s like being high, there’s a numbness to being happy all the time, where’s the humanness in that? 

When am I happy today? When I am being REAL. When I am truly CONNECTED with others. When I am truly connected to myself! When I am vulnerable and free and courageous enough to speak the truth. My friends poke fun at me because I cry ALL THE TIME. I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m scared, I cry when I’m so freaken excited it just pours out of me. I literally am moved to tears in some way, shape or form every single day. But that’s me! I am an emotional creature, that’s for sure. BUT aren't we all?! We all are! And the universe, God, spirit, whatever you want to call it, energy, the way our HEARTS and brains are made up are to FEEL. FEEL whatever it is you are experiencing that’s REAL. 

So to be free. That means, to be living you truth. To be your authentic self. To be vulnerable. To be honest. To be REAL. And today, I want real. Did you also know it is possible to have BOTH? Happiness AND sadness?  Happiness AND anger? Happiness and exuberance? I mean, why settle for just happy!!?? And it’s a process, for many people who have been severely wounded as children, people who experience trauma or abuse, etc. the unlayering process can be really scary and it takes time. I am still healing! And I get to be honest about that today. And I get to choose to heal, through asking for help, for being honest with the fact that I still have some work to do. Becoming free again, THIS is the process. This is the "desired result!" This is the purpose. I am grateful to live in a world today where there are so many options for healing, so many processes by which we CAN heal should we choose to do so. When we get back to our essence that is how we can further discover our purpose, truly discover what makes us happy and what we are meant to do in our lives. If ego is making the decisions, determining for us where we "should" go to school or what kind of job we "should" have or how much money we "should" make, aren't we just setting ourselves up to be unhappy? If that's not the truth?

I decided to write about this because I’m going through a break up. So painful right? Yup, it is. And I had my breakdown for about 48 hours where I truly experienced the unbearable pain of loss and discomfort, tears and snot dripping down my face and spent the whole weekend at a friend’s balling my eyes out and curled up in her arms on the couch. And then I woke up Monday and decided I was good. I chose to think about other things, chose to “be happy” chose to get excited about all the other wonderful things in my life, chose to look at the situation as a blessing from the universe because he must not be my guy right now. I choose to believe in miracles, to believe that the universe is always looking out for me, so OK if this isn’t going “my way” right now it means it wasn’t meant to be and there’s something better for me coming. So after a few days of this “happiness” all of a sudden I hit this HUGE emotional hangover. Big time, out of nowhere and felt like I couldn’t shake it. And then I realized, I was beating myself up over feeling that way, over STILL feeling sad (as if I wasn’t allowed!) and not telling anyone that I was actually feeling pretty freaken sad, and I was refusing to accept that I was still uncomfortable and still in a little pain. Because of course, I SHOULD be over it. And it was like BOOM. Ok got it. 

Literally within a few minutes of this realization, of the fact that I was trying to DENY what I was really feeling I picked up the phone and called a friend. I said, Hey, I have to tell you something. I’m actually really having a hard time today, can you listen for 5 minutes with where I’m at, and help me re-direct my thinking? And she did. And then I got to have BOTH. Acceptance of my feelings, acceptance of the sadness and still having the joy and excitement of all the good things in my life and the gratitude for the love I shared with this person and the love I have now for myself. I felt better INSTANTLY. I felt FREE.

I mean do you really, every time you ask someone ”How are you?” Do you want to hear “GREAT!” or “FINE” (which of course is when it’s really not fine?) How about the truth? How about “Hey, today I’m actually feeling a little sad about the loss of a significant relationship in my life and I’m also really excited because I’m starting a Women’s Circle in Boston! That's ME!

TELL THE TRUTH. Be free to be who you are and you can have BOTH! And yes, sometimes, maybe even for weeks/months/years at a time you will be happy! Because there is so much to be happy about! So much to be grateful for! But life is also filled with discomfort, and challenges, and SAD situations like the loss of a relationship or death, or disappointment, so FEEL IT. Doesn’t our EGO tell us not to feel because then, oh man, we’d be vulnerable and people might actually have to feel CONNECTED to us and care about us and feel WITH US? 

So often other people’s uncomfortable feelings makes us feel uncomfortable. When someone is sad we IMMEDIATELY want to make them feel better. This is not a bad thing persay, but what if we just started letting each other feel whatever it is we’re feeling? To sit with it. To let it pass. To witness the HUMANNESS of each other. We will never be perfect. We can’t possibly be happy ALL THE TIME. Without fear, discomfort, uncertainty there is no growth. Without pain there is no spiritual progress, no discovery of who we are. It’s the unlayering process. When we unlayer, its painful! And on the other side of that is freedom. Truth. 

So the purpose of life is to be free, and/or seek out all the means in which to be free. Watch how you relate to other people, how do you speak to the ones you care about? Do you tell them how you really feel about them? How special they are to you? How do you greet strangers? Do you focus on how we are all connected? Do you ask about feelings, do you share what you are passionate about, what you care about, when you are most happy? Or do you immediately start talking about where you work or where you went to college, or all the things on the “surface” - the things that keep us separate. 

I want real today. I want happiness and joy and I want the pain because it is in those moments that I really discover who I am. It’s through the insecurities and vulnerability that I allow myself to be seen, to be heard, to share with you my truth, always. Choose freedom today, choose FEELINGS today and be grateful for them, be grateful that you are ALIVE and you CAN feel them because there’s always something on the other side. 

“People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I don't think that's what we're really seeking. I think what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. That's what it's really about.” – Joseph Campbell