To live is to risk dying

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far it is possible to go.”  

T.S. Eliot

I know that in this moment, I am who I am because of the risks I have taken. Not only in the past 3 years of my life, or the past year, or in the past week, but daily the way I choose to bring myself in the world: unafraid, free, open, and vulnerable. I feel safe in my heart today, in a way I have never felt before. I know the truth of who I am and am committed to the fact that it is an ongoing discovery process. I embrace the fact that I am always changing, growing, learning and loving more every day. I want to write about risks. I want to write and reflect on how growth occurs, and  WHY I have changed/grown so much in the past year. It is all because I took tremendous risks and did a tremendous amount of work! 

Risk - the potential for loss or an undesired outcome. 

Most of my life I had stayed in the comfort zone, the box that I convinced myself was "safe." Through this I made tremendous sacrifices - gave up on many relationships (or rather, just never tried to have any), I gave up a running scholarship, I didn't apply to a certain graduate school because I was afraid I wouldn't get in, and there are certain people no longer in my life that never knew how much they meant to me because I was afraid to tell them the truth. 

 3 years ago I almost lost my best friend because of my fear based behavior. Because of my inability to recognize my own truth, my own struggles, and my demons. SHE took a risk in telling me her true feelings about our relationship - the fact that she no longer wanted to be in it! She would have accepted the loss. Her risk in telling me the truth saved my life. In that moment, I too chose to take a risk, to discover what my life would look like outside of my comfort zone, to grow, change and learn, to face my fears and allow the universe to work through me, to transform me into the woman I always longed to be. I had to let go of the thing which had always comforted me (alcohol) and dive into the unknown. 

Over and over again in the past few years I have been challenged, I have been uncomfortable, I have been hurt and I have been heartbroken. I also have experienced happiness, joy, pleasure and excitement of a kind I have never known. The kind of joy where I feel like my heart is bursting out of my chest, happiness where a smile comes so easily, laughter from my soul, the deepest place, and my stomach muscles ache and cheeks hurt. I have felt an inner peace where despite everything happening around me, I feel so connected to my body, my heart, and my spirit. I consistently get to feel connected to a power greater than myself. It is through suffering, through pain, through discomfort and uncertainty that growth occurs. May you always walk through all of this because on the other side freedom awaits.

 I know now what it feels like to let go, to be emotionally vulnerable and to take risks. The most important ones to me are not that I am starting my own business, not that I am leading women's circles in Boston, not that I am stepping into a new role at work, not that I am beginning yoga teacher training in 2 months. The most important ones are when I step into who I am, present that to the world, tell the truth and live in my heart. To speak vulnerably, authentically, and with a realness that I always knew was inside me. That is the greatest risk - to be yourself. Because what if you don't like me? What if you disapprove of my decisions? What if you think I look like a fool? AND, today, what if I don't care? What if I don't need you to like me, or approve, for me to know who I am? What if I love you, care about you, see you, no matter how you feel about me? I have grown into the woman I have longed to be and I know my journey is not nearly over. I was able to enter a relationship, risk loving without being loved in return, and I experienced a love I had never felt before! A love I believe was real because I loved without judgment, without fear, without condition. I learned so much about myself, about relationships as I walked through the difficult conversations, the uncomfortable, insecure feelings, and never once hating who I was. Of course, relationships are messy, and thank god they are because how boring if everything were easy? Where is the risk? I was then able to recognize what kind of partnership I wanted - one who could see me, accept me, and love me for who I am and love themselves enough to be real with me too and take the risks required to make a relationship work. If you want what you've never had, you have to do what you've never done -- or the same relationships, the same stories will continue to play out over and over again.

Of course to love another is the greatest risk of all! And I believe this provides the greatest reward. The same girl who didn't want to be my friend 3 years ago, called me the other night, to tell me how much she loved me, how much I meant to her, how much she is learning from me and through loving me, is learning about herself. AND she gets to share with me the beautifully vulnerable conversations she is having with her partner which is strengthening their relationship. Was that a risk? I think so, to open up. To let yourself be seen and raw and vulnerable. I participated in a work retreat this week, where every single person in my office shared themselves in a way they never had before. It was scary and uncomfortable, but it was real, and new connections were formed, true intimacy as we all witnessed each other in our various forms. When you share from your heart, there is nothing but LIGHT and love. Huge, unstoppable love. It is when you shine your light, that you give permission for others to do the same.

Please do yourself a favor, do the world a favor, be authentically you - be, do, say, think, feel whatever it is you are feeling, whatever it is you are, and know that this is enough. That you are loved exactly as you are, that there is NOTHING you need to do in order to be loved or accepted. Do the things you think you can't, step out, see what it feels like to live your dream, because today I most certainly am living mine. I am dedicating the rest of my life to taking risks every single day, to recognize the things I want, trusting that I can do absolutely anything. You deserve to have the life you want and you are more than capable of creating it. Risks must be taken. Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. If you risk nothing, do nothing, you dull your spirit. You may avoid suffering and sorrow, but you cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live.

Only if you risk are you free.

Through coaching my purpose is to remind you what you already know, to be the mirror, to be your cheerleader, the one who will root for you over and over again, who will walk with you through whatever it is you are afraid of and to encourage you to grow, feel, change, love and live. I don't have the answers, I have the tools, I have the questions that will lead you to your own answers, your own truth and discovery and I will provide the support to assist you in reaching your own goals and achieving your own dreams. 

Every day I am changing, every day I am stronger, more confident, more free, more me. Practice, practice every day, one step at a time, doing the things that scare you, tell the people you love the truth, let the world see who you are, trust that whatever you are seeking is seeking you, believe that you are not alone, believe that you are amazing.