Wake Up Call

Day 7 of being sick.
I have spent the week powerless, afraid, helpless, tired and weak.
Little did I know this is what the Universe wanted for me and I see it now. I see it so clearly.
I have spent thousands of dollars on books, personal growth workshops and therapy but I've said it before and I'll say it again. The best learning, the best workshop, is showing up for and being aware in your own life.
This week has been a spiritual retreat.

What have I learned?
I have been hit square in the face with my biggest demons and fears. Day 1. I know I can't go to work. I wake up and I can't breathe and I'm coughing and my body aches and my throat is on fire. What is my first thought? I immediately spiral into anxiety about work. About missing work, about how I can't be productive, wait I'm going to just have to SLEEP all day? What a huge waste of time! Oh and then here comes this voice, "How did you get sick? What did you do? See you never sleep and now it's backfiring. Maybe you shouldn't have had so much coffee. Maybe you should've eaten more salad. What's wrong with you? When will you learn?" And that voice just RIPS on me on how it's "my fault" that I'm sick and I should have known better and I asked for this.

I am so uncomfortable NOT DOING ANYTHING. This went on for about 2 days, just negative self talk as I ripped myself apart, cried about "what would my coworkers think of me" would they believe me that I'm this sick? Maybe I can suck it up... I walk across the street to CVS to get some medicine, when I come back I collapse on my bed. No, no I can't "suck it up." My body is done. My mind is done. Another surrender, here I go again.

Around Day 3 or 4 my mind starts to be able to get clear. The voices are quiet and I am able to find gratitude in my life. I am getting text messages and emails from so many of my beautiful friends, everyone is offering to come bring me soup or hang out with me. I am grateful for health insurance and that I am able to go to the doctor. I am grateful for the support my work has given me so far this week. I am grateful for a quiet, safe apartment where I can rest. I feel loved, yet I am lonely. Powerless, there's that feeling again. Maybe it doesn't matter how many thousands of gratitude lists I write I still feel upset. One friend says, "What if you don't judge yourself for anything you do today? Listen to what you want, one moment at a time." What if I didn't JUDGE myself? Wow, well, ok that's a concept. Ok what do I want to do? I want to watch television shows I never watch. I want to eat ice cream that I never eat. Oh my gosh, I actually WANT to just do nothing, and laugh and play and be ridiculous and silly. So I do. I watch like 40 episodes of Modern Family and Parks and Recreation. As I smile I can feel the joy in my heart grow, I can enjoy my own company, I can wait this out, I can allow this to unfold. I can allow myself to be sick. And I realize that lonely is just another word for a disconnect from self.

The past few days my mind has been alert. Just observing. Catherine what is going on? How DID you get here? How big of a message are you getting right now energetically to not only stop, but slow down? Why are you running? I have a voice that tells me sleep is a waste of time and if I'm not being productive well then what the hell are you doing? Now I can see it. I was proud of everything I accomplished - working full time, yoga teacher training, running my own business, coaching training, women's circles, and somehow keeping a romantic relationship together. What was missing? Stillness. Quiet. Calm. Faith. A relationship with myself. Intuition? The voice of my inner guide? No clue. I can't sit still long enough to hear her, until she's screaming, until I'm crying and there's nothing I can do but stop, and surrender and let go. I know she's the only voice I ever want to hear.

The world we live in right now associates productivity with self worth. What kinds of things we have, how much money we make, with Valentine's Day this month I watched so many people associate whether they were worthy based on whether they had a partner for that day. I'm done. I can't live like this anymore. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am sick of thinking that life is a game, that my accomplishments define who I am, that I feel worthy when my day is packed and I am up all night working on my business. This is not what I want. The whole reason I wanted to become and entrepreneur was to be able to HAVE more time for myself but there it is -- I'll take care of myself WHEN I have this, I'll be happy WHEN I live in California... I have not been present for my life for several months.

Where was my joy? I found it in a yoga class here and there, it was there when I went out to dinner with my friends and we stayed up all night talking. I have had moments, beautiful magical moments with friends where I feel safe and aligned with the universe. But, when was the last time I slept in on the weekend? Last July I think? When was the last time I went to bed before midnight? Again, maybe last summer.

Here's what I know now. That I was born worthy. I am worthy because of who I am as a child of the universe. My self worth is not connected to my job, how much money I make, how many things I own, how many projects I am working on or what I create, or whether I have a partner or not. That I will be successful every day if I am calm, if I am authentically me, if I tell the truth to the people I love, and if I love with all of my heart and give to each moment rather than constantly grasp for and wait for someone to give to me. I am so tired, I am so tired of running and doing and chasing and manifesting. I will commit to allowing. I will commit to more PLAY and stillness in my life. I will commit to PRESENCE and patience. When I die, I want people to remember me for how they felt when they were around me. That you knew you were special by the way I looked in your eyes when you talked, by the way I held your hand when you cried, or the way we laughed together. Maybe I'll be remembered for things I create, and I certainly do want to make a difference in the world, but most of all I want to make a difference in my heart. I want to be committed to myself each day, making time to meditate, and pray, and do Reiki on myself (this has been a tremendous gift this week) to just be of service in every small moment - that I don't need to be in the newspaper or make headlines or have tens of thousands of people know me to make a difference. That when I gave out roses to strangers last week I made a difference. When I smile at the construction team outside my apartment I make a difference. When I hold the door open for my neighbor I make a difference. When I pick up the phone when someone calls I make a difference. When I have a kale smoothie instead of coffee I make a difference. When I say NO I make a difference. When I enthusiastically say YES I make a difference. When I get enough sleep I make a difference.

When I live and love with full FAITH in the unfolding of my life I am filled with joy and happiness. To stop comparing myself to others, knowing that whatever I do, whatever I have, whoever I am is ENOUGH. That being a coach brings me joy because I hold space for my clients, one hour a week of sacred time where they get to authentically be themselves, share their joy and their pain and their fear and we work together to create a life that has meaning and fulfillment for them, to make sure their longing comes from their heart, not their ego.

My ego told me I was alone this week. I was worthless and separate and lazy. My heart knew the truth and it's finally coming through because I made time for it. I surrendered into this illness. This time alone, this time with myself and the Divine. To stop needing approval from others, to stop asking others opinion on what I should or shouldn't do. I can listen to my heart and know the truth, know that right now, I am OK. I am enough, just as I am, and I am loved, not only by so many other people but by me. I deeply and profoundly love, accept and forgive myself. I will continue to honor my body from now on, I will make more time to PLAY in my life and enjoy each day, surrendering my fears of the unknown and realizing that I don't actually want to know what is going to happen. If I want guarantees in life, I don't want life. and I do want life today, in all it's glory for the beautiful people that surround me every single day, knowing that all of my needs are met on a regular basis, and that I will embrace the beautiful mystery of life.

I will remember this when I wake up on Monday and I go to work. I won't stop dreaming, I won't give up on my longing, but I will honor and know that life happens one day at a time, and it is not about the destination, that I choose to be happy now, present now, joyful now, and loving now. I committed to an open heart a long long time ago and sometimes I get lost. A brilliant yoga teacher once said in class, I lose my way and I find my way, I lose my way and I find my way. I do my best every single day, that I know, and that will never stop, and I will make the reminders to myself, I will surround myself with people who love me and will help me remember who I am when I sometimes forget.

May you see how beautiful you are today, that you are enough, exactly as you are and you are special and important to this world. Find time to relax, and be still, do the things that bring you joy, spend time with people who make you laugh and maybe together we can awaken the world to the gift of life and get off the hamster wheel, put down our cellphones and look each other in the eye so we can all remember that we are connected and in this together.

"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up everyday, stay true to your path, and you will surely find the treasure you seek" - Jackson Kiddard