Here's what I wondered about today.
Does the butterfly struggle to hatch from it's cocoon? Is it psyched to become a butterfly? How does she know when she's ready? Does she resist? How long does it take? Is she scared? Is it pain free?
This is what happens when I'm locked up in my room for a week sick. So let me tell you, I do not like being sick. I'm not exactly psyched about not being able to breathe, coughing like crazy, having a pounding headache, sore throat, and going through a minimum of a box of tissues a day so that my nose is all red and feels like it's going to fall off. But most of all, most of all I HATE the feeling of total and complete powerlessness. Complete loss of control (and surrender to the delusion to think I ever had any). This is the reminder for me, or at least seems to be the reminder for 2013. My theme was trust. Good thing the universe is giving me thousands of experiences in which my faith is tested and my trust in the divine's plan for me is strengthened. I can't will my way out of this one, I can't make my body heal faster than it wants to. I just have to BE. Doing absolutely nothing. Soooo I started thinking.
I started thinking about life. Who I am in the world, what it has meant for me to undergo so many transformations. First to stop drinking. Then to end painful relationships. Healing my relationships. Re-learning how to love. Healing from my abusive and chaotic childhood. And now, now the transformation I am going through is one in which I don't understand, I can't explain and I'm not even sure it's about me healing FROM something but rather a true emergence and letting go of everything that will no longer serve.
Every single person on this planet has gone through some kind of suffering. Broken heart, loss of a job, sickness, death of a family member, death of a pet, a disappointment or let down, homelessness, addiction, change. Something in which their heart has been devastated. The strongest, most resilient people I know are the ones who have recovered from these losses and continue to show up, and believe in love and believe in life. They also are usually the ones with extraordinary faith. What is happening to me now is that I am letting go of ALL limiting beliefs, all feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, my dependencies are being stripped away and I am letting go of all things that I used to think provided security (a job, a relationship, money...) and learning how to truly love myself and learn my purpose in the world. Really what it means to DECIDE who I am, who I want to be, and what I want in my life.
My heart is breaking right now. I am scared out of my mind. I cry myself to sleep often. I wake up in the middle of the night shaking with anxiety. I can find thousands upon thousands of things to be grateful for, and I am able to walk through the world with a smile on my face, but inside I am struggling. Profoundly. And this has gone on for awhile. I would say since last July. July of 2012. It is now February 2013. What I am seeking now, I don't know. Is it a feeling of groundedness perhaps? Yes. Just to feel my feet on the ground. I am awake, awake to all that is happening, aware of my choices, but also aware of my vulnerability and frailty as a human being. And then I thought about the butterfly.
It can take two weeks for a butterfly to hatch from its cuccoon. It's not a one step process. TWO WEEKS of struggle into it's emergence to fly. I also learned that if this process is attempted to be sped up the butterfly does not fully develop and then can't live for longer than a week afterwards. This is the same as when a chick hatches from an egg. It has to keep poking it's head out through the shell to build muscles in its neck. If someone or something helps it, it's muscles don't develop enough and then it too is not able to survive. So if my process is sped up (if it were up to me, and I wanted the struggle to end NOW) I wouldn't emerge into the woman I am about to be, capable of being.
How often do we want to help others, how often do we want to immediately stop their pain because we can't stand to see the ones we love suffer? How often do we want to just make it better for the people we love? How often do you turn away from someone on the street, or not look when you see a couple fighting in public, or continue to ignore the suffering of millions of people in the world? Can you begin to imagine the capacity of human beings to SURVIVE? Our capacity to love, to show compassion and kindness, to shine the light on the darkness and allow the world to HEAL?
What if I don't need you to make it better? What if I need you to just hold my hand? What if I just need you to see me, see me raw and vulnerable in my pain and confusion and to allow me to emerge on my own? What if we could begin to do that for each other? I believe that is real love. If we never wanted babies to fall down when they learned to walk, we'd all be crawling through the world. We don't do that to children, we let them fall, we let them learn to first put their hands on the table, then wobble on their feet, then walk to us on their own, with their own strength. What if we could see the suffering that the world has endured, that this planet is currently enduring, and to quit trying to be "happy all the time" (which of course is why the world seeks so much instant gratification) and to just allow of all of us to feel the depth of our grief, our pain, and our hurt, so that our hearts can soften and we can then have that much more compassion and empathy for each other. To allow each person to go through their own transformation, to struggle and sit with the discomfort of the cocoon.
I am the most ridiculously sensitive person I know. I am also the strongest and most resilient. Knock me down 7 times, I'll stand up 8. and I'm still standing even though I have wanted to give up throughout this process. So many times. Even though I cry myself to sleep. Even though I have never been more lost or afraid. But I believe. I believe in the butterflies. I believe in the capacity of each person on this planet to survive, to love, to heal and to grow. I envision a compassionate community - where people all around the world stop turning their heads at the suffering and realize that we can actually DO something about it. That TOGETHER we can rise, we must shine the light on the darkness in order for it to transform. I believe in the collective capacity to heal our hearts and our minds and in fact change the world.
I'll keep you posted when I start to fly. But just for today, I'm still struggling. and it's OK.
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