4 Ways to Open Your Heart (and why it matters)

An open heart is the key to freedom and a purposeful, meaningful life. Having an open heart means you have the ability to take risks, allow yourself to be impacted, experience bliss and joy on a daily basis, an open heart is free and fearless. An open heart says “yes” with enthusiasm and “no” with kindness and care, is balanced, sees possibilities and contributes it's unique gifts with the world. An open heart takes responsibility, has faith, and actively participates in life.

A closed heart looks like this: prey to misery and depression, full of resentment, too much time on Facebook, mindless eating and too much sugar, fear of not being good enough, lack of intimate connection, frequent feelings of loneliness and unfulfilled dreams. Really tough right? That’s how I used to live. That’s why this is important to me. Why you’re important to me. It’s possible for you to love yourself and love your life. If I can do it, after years of fear and pain, so can you.  Here are my 4 steps to opening:

1. PRACTICE GRATITUDE. This is the game changer. This has been a daily practice for me every single day for the past 4 years. Right now take out a piece of paper and write 10 things you are grateful for, things you are in appreciation of. Ex. your ability to read this post. What you ate for breakfast. People in your life you love. Let it flow. Our heart softens when we focus on what we do have and I encourage all of my clients, and you, to make a list every single day.  There is always, always something to be grateful for.

2. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS. Yes, this is quite possibly one of the hardest things we may have to do. I can hear some of you right now “But HE HURT ME don’t you understand!?” I am not denying that you have been hurt, nor am I denying that there are some really horrible things that have happened in the world. But holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We could change the world if all of us chose to forgive at least one person in our lives today. Our heart softens and opens when we forgive because we remember that we are all connected. That all of us once were perfect newborn babies who knew the truth, that we are love. Free yourself and your heart by forgiving at least one person today, maybe even start with yourself.

3. TELL THE TRUTH. The truth about what it is you are feeling, what you desire, what you long for, what’s truly happening in your life. When someone asks you “How are you?” You don’t say “FINE” if you’re not fine. Open your heart through the truth. You don’t need to share your truth with the world but you can start by looking at the people in your inner circle and asking yourself if they truly know everything about you. Do the people in your life know how you feel about them? Send a text to someone you love right now and just let them know that they are important to you. That's how we begin with the truth. Heart softens, heart opens. Get honest with yourself about where you're at in your life - is it time for a new job? End an unsatisfying relationship? You are so much braver than you think.

4. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. I know I may be asking a lot of you. But it’s because I love you. I believe in you. I know it’s sometimes hard. I know it’s sometimes painful. I also know that you can get through it. I am asking you to be braver than you have ever been.  I am asking you to stop numbing yourself with sugar and alcohol and Facebook and other mindless activities that don't contribute to your growing spirit. I am asking you to grieve, to accept your sadness and disappointments, to cry your eyes out. I am also asking you to laugh so hard your cheeks hurt, to love so deeply you feel like your heart is going to explode out of your chest, asking you to take risks and allow the emotions to be experienced and move through you. They will pass if you allow yourself to authentically feel them. Allow yourself to feel so you can listen to your heart. 

 “’Why do we have to listen to our hearts?’ the boy asked, ‘Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.’” – Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist

If you need support in opening, in feeling your feelings, in trusting yourself and telling the truth, in forgiveness, well that is what I am here for. This is your life, are you who you want to be?

Wake Up Call

Day 7 of being sick.
I have spent the week powerless, afraid, helpless, tired and weak.
Little did I know this is what the Universe wanted for me and I see it now. I see it so clearly.
I have spent thousands of dollars on books, personal growth workshops and therapy but I've said it before and I'll say it again. The best learning, the best workshop, is showing up for and being aware in your own life.
This week has been a spiritual retreat.

What have I learned?
I have been hit square in the face with my biggest demons and fears. Day 1. I know I can't go to work. I wake up and I can't breathe and I'm coughing and my body aches and my throat is on fire. What is my first thought? I immediately spiral into anxiety about work. About missing work, about how I can't be productive, wait I'm going to just have to SLEEP all day? What a huge waste of time! Oh and then here comes this voice, "How did you get sick? What did you do? See you never sleep and now it's backfiring. Maybe you shouldn't have had so much coffee. Maybe you should've eaten more salad. What's wrong with you? When will you learn?" And that voice just RIPS on me on how it's "my fault" that I'm sick and I should have known better and I asked for this.

I am so uncomfortable NOT DOING ANYTHING. This went on for about 2 days, just negative self talk as I ripped myself apart, cried about "what would my coworkers think of me" would they believe me that I'm this sick? Maybe I can suck it up... I walk across the street to CVS to get some medicine, when I come back I collapse on my bed. No, no I can't "suck it up." My body is done. My mind is done. Another surrender, here I go again.

Around Day 3 or 4 my mind starts to be able to get clear. The voices are quiet and I am able to find gratitude in my life. I am getting text messages and emails from so many of my beautiful friends, everyone is offering to come bring me soup or hang out with me. I am grateful for health insurance and that I am able to go to the doctor. I am grateful for the support my work has given me so far this week. I am grateful for a quiet, safe apartment where I can rest. I feel loved, yet I am lonely. Powerless, there's that feeling again. Maybe it doesn't matter how many thousands of gratitude lists I write I still feel upset. One friend says, "What if you don't judge yourself for anything you do today? Listen to what you want, one moment at a time." What if I didn't JUDGE myself? Wow, well, ok that's a concept. Ok what do I want to do? I want to watch television shows I never watch. I want to eat ice cream that I never eat. Oh my gosh, I actually WANT to just do nothing, and laugh and play and be ridiculous and silly. So I do. I watch like 40 episodes of Modern Family and Parks and Recreation. As I smile I can feel the joy in my heart grow, I can enjoy my own company, I can wait this out, I can allow this to unfold. I can allow myself to be sick. And I realize that lonely is just another word for a disconnect from self.

The past few days my mind has been alert. Just observing. Catherine what is going on? How DID you get here? How big of a message are you getting right now energetically to not only stop, but slow down? Why are you running? I have a voice that tells me sleep is a waste of time and if I'm not being productive well then what the hell are you doing? Now I can see it. I was proud of everything I accomplished - working full time, yoga teacher training, running my own business, coaching training, women's circles, and somehow keeping a romantic relationship together. What was missing? Stillness. Quiet. Calm. Faith. A relationship with myself. Intuition? The voice of my inner guide? No clue. I can't sit still long enough to hear her, until she's screaming, until I'm crying and there's nothing I can do but stop, and surrender and let go. I know she's the only voice I ever want to hear.

The world we live in right now associates productivity with self worth. What kinds of things we have, how much money we make, with Valentine's Day this month I watched so many people associate whether they were worthy based on whether they had a partner for that day. I'm done. I can't live like this anymore. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am sick of thinking that life is a game, that my accomplishments define who I am, that I feel worthy when my day is packed and I am up all night working on my business. This is not what I want. The whole reason I wanted to become and entrepreneur was to be able to HAVE more time for myself but there it is -- I'll take care of myself WHEN I have this, I'll be happy WHEN I live in California... I have not been present for my life for several months.

Where was my joy? I found it in a yoga class here and there, it was there when I went out to dinner with my friends and we stayed up all night talking. I have had moments, beautiful magical moments with friends where I feel safe and aligned with the universe. But, when was the last time I slept in on the weekend? Last July I think? When was the last time I went to bed before midnight? Again, maybe last summer.

Here's what I know now. That I was born worthy. I am worthy because of who I am as a child of the universe. My self worth is not connected to my job, how much money I make, how many things I own, how many projects I am working on or what I create, or whether I have a partner or not. That I will be successful every day if I am calm, if I am authentically me, if I tell the truth to the people I love, and if I love with all of my heart and give to each moment rather than constantly grasp for and wait for someone to give to me. I am so tired, I am so tired of running and doing and chasing and manifesting. I will commit to allowing. I will commit to more PLAY and stillness in my life. I will commit to PRESENCE and patience. When I die, I want people to remember me for how they felt when they were around me. That you knew you were special by the way I looked in your eyes when you talked, by the way I held your hand when you cried, or the way we laughed together. Maybe I'll be remembered for things I create, and I certainly do want to make a difference in the world, but most of all I want to make a difference in my heart. I want to be committed to myself each day, making time to meditate, and pray, and do Reiki on myself (this has been a tremendous gift this week) to just be of service in every small moment - that I don't need to be in the newspaper or make headlines or have tens of thousands of people know me to make a difference. That when I gave out roses to strangers last week I made a difference. When I smile at the construction team outside my apartment I make a difference. When I hold the door open for my neighbor I make a difference. When I pick up the phone when someone calls I make a difference. When I have a kale smoothie instead of coffee I make a difference. When I say NO I make a difference. When I enthusiastically say YES I make a difference. When I get enough sleep I make a difference.

When I live and love with full FAITH in the unfolding of my life I am filled with joy and happiness. To stop comparing myself to others, knowing that whatever I do, whatever I have, whoever I am is ENOUGH. That being a coach brings me joy because I hold space for my clients, one hour a week of sacred time where they get to authentically be themselves, share their joy and their pain and their fear and we work together to create a life that has meaning and fulfillment for them, to make sure their longing comes from their heart, not their ego.

My ego told me I was alone this week. I was worthless and separate and lazy. My heart knew the truth and it's finally coming through because I made time for it. I surrendered into this illness. This time alone, this time with myself and the Divine. To stop needing approval from others, to stop asking others opinion on what I should or shouldn't do. I can listen to my heart and know the truth, know that right now, I am OK. I am enough, just as I am, and I am loved, not only by so many other people but by me. I deeply and profoundly love, accept and forgive myself. I will continue to honor my body from now on, I will make more time to PLAY in my life and enjoy each day, surrendering my fears of the unknown and realizing that I don't actually want to know what is going to happen. If I want guarantees in life, I don't want life. and I do want life today, in all it's glory for the beautiful people that surround me every single day, knowing that all of my needs are met on a regular basis, and that I will embrace the beautiful mystery of life.

I will remember this when I wake up on Monday and I go to work. I won't stop dreaming, I won't give up on my longing, but I will honor and know that life happens one day at a time, and it is not about the destination, that I choose to be happy now, present now, joyful now, and loving now. I committed to an open heart a long long time ago and sometimes I get lost. A brilliant yoga teacher once said in class, I lose my way and I find my way, I lose my way and I find my way. I do my best every single day, that I know, and that will never stop, and I will make the reminders to myself, I will surround myself with people who love me and will help me remember who I am when I sometimes forget.

May you see how beautiful you are today, that you are enough, exactly as you are and you are special and important to this world. Find time to relax, and be still, do the things that bring you joy, spend time with people who make you laugh and maybe together we can awaken the world to the gift of life and get off the hamster wheel, put down our cellphones and look each other in the eye so we can all remember that we are connected and in this together.

"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these 'set backs' as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up everyday, stay true to your path, and you will surely find the treasure you seek" - Jackson Kiddard

Transformation to Fly

Here's what I wondered about today.

Does the butterfly struggle to hatch from it's cocoon? Is it psyched to become a butterfly? How does she know when she's ready? Does she resist? How long does it take? Is she scared? Is it pain free?

This is what happens when I'm locked up in my room for a week sick. So let me tell you, I do not like being sick. I'm not exactly psyched about not being able to breathe, coughing like crazy, having a pounding headache, sore throat, and going through a minimum of a box of tissues a day so that my nose is all red and feels like it's going to fall off. But most of all, most of all I HATE the feeling of total and complete powerlessness. Complete loss of control (and surrender to the delusion to think I ever had any). This is the reminder for me, or at least seems to be the reminder for 2013. My theme was trust. Good thing the universe is giving me thousands of experiences in which my faith is tested and my trust in the divine's plan for me is strengthened. I can't will my way out of this one, I can't make my body heal faster than it wants to. I just have to BE. Doing absolutely nothing. Soooo I started thinking.

I started thinking about life. Who I am in the world, what it has meant for me to undergo so many transformations. First to stop drinking. Then to end painful relationships. Healing my relationships. Re-learning how to love. Healing from my abusive and chaotic childhood. And now, now the transformation I am going through is one in which I don't understand, I can't explain and I'm not even sure it's about me healing FROM something but rather a true emergence and letting go of everything that will no longer serve.

Every single person on this planet has gone through some kind of suffering. Broken heart, loss of a job, sickness, death of a family member, death of a pet, a disappointment or let down, homelessness, addiction, change. Something in which their heart has been devastated. The strongest, most resilient people I know are the ones who have recovered from these losses and continue to show up, and believe in love and believe in life. They also are usually the ones with extraordinary faith. What is happening to me now is that I am letting go of ALL limiting beliefs, all feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, my dependencies are being stripped away and I am letting go of all things that I used to think provided security (a job, a relationship, money...) and learning how to truly love myself and learn my purpose in the world. Really what it means to DECIDE who I am, who I want to be, and what I want in my life.

My heart is breaking right now. I am scared out of my mind. I cry myself to sleep often. I wake up in the middle of the night shaking with anxiety. I can find thousands upon thousands of things to be grateful for, and I am able to walk through the world with a smile on my face, but inside I am struggling. Profoundly. And this has gone on for awhile. I would say since last July. July of 2012. It is now February 2013. What I am seeking now, I don't know. Is it a feeling of groundedness perhaps?  Yes. Just to feel my feet on the ground. I am awake, awake to all that is happening, aware of my choices, but also aware of my vulnerability and frailty as a human being. And then I thought about the butterfly.

It can take two weeks for a butterfly to hatch from its cuccoon. It's not a one step process. TWO WEEKS of struggle into it's emergence to fly. I also learned that if this process is attempted to be sped up the butterfly does not fully develop and then can't live for longer than a week afterwards. This is the same as when a chick hatches from an egg. It has to keep poking it's head out through the shell to build muscles in its neck. If someone or something helps it, it's muscles don't develop enough and then it too is not able to survive. So if my process is sped up (if it were up to me, and I wanted the struggle to end NOW) I wouldn't emerge into the woman I am about to be, capable of being.

How often do we want to help others, how often do we want to immediately stop their pain because we can't stand to see the ones we love suffer? How often do we want to just make it better for the people we love? How often do you turn away from someone on the street, or not look when you see a couple fighting in public, or continue to ignore the suffering of millions of people in the world? Can you begin to imagine the capacity of human beings to SURVIVE? Our capacity to love, to show compassion and kindness, to shine the light on the darkness and allow the world to HEAL?

What if I don't need you to make it better? What if I need you to just hold my hand? What if I just need you to see me, see me raw and vulnerable in my pain and confusion and to allow me to emerge on my own? What if we could begin to do that for each other? I believe that is real love. If we never wanted babies to fall down when they learned to walk, we'd all be crawling through the world. We don't do that to children, we let them fall, we let them learn to first put their hands on the table, then wobble on their feet, then walk to us on their own, with their own strength. What if we could see the suffering that the world has endured, that this planet is currently enduring, and to quit trying to be "happy all the time" (which of course is why the world seeks so much instant gratification) and to just allow of all of us to feel the depth of our grief, our pain, and our hurt, so that our hearts can soften and we can then have that much more compassion and empathy for each other. To allow each person to go through their own transformation, to struggle and sit with the discomfort of the cocoon.

I am the most ridiculously sensitive person I know. I am also the strongest and most resilient. Knock me down 7 times, I'll stand up 8. and I'm still standing even though I have wanted to give up throughout this process. So many times. Even though I cry myself to sleep. Even though I have never been more lost or afraid. But I believe. I believe in the butterflies. I believe in the capacity of each person on this planet to survive, to love, to heal and to grow. I envision a compassionate community - where people all around the world stop turning their heads at the suffering and realize that we can actually DO something about it. That TOGETHER we can rise, we must shine the light on the darkness in order for it to transform. I believe in the collective capacity to heal our hearts and our minds and in fact change the world.

I'll keep you posted when I start to fly. But just for today, I'm still struggling. and it's OK.

Surrender

Surrender.

"What do I do?"
"Where should I go?"
"Who am I supposed to be?"
"Do I leave or do I stay?"
"What is going to happen?"

Here's my F*&@%D UP solution to uncertainty. TO DO. To try and DO as much as possible. Fix, solve, change, control, obsess.... which results in something that looks like this:

12:35am on a Saturday night. On the floor. Sweating. Tears pouring down my face. My body is shaking. My hands are wrapped around my head and I am in the fetal position. Barely breathing. The only word I am able to exhale is "help".

The moment I begin to DO anything, I have moved from faith to mistrust. From authenticity to masquerading. From serenity to chaos. I've moved so far away from myself that now I've convinced myself that having the external certainty is actually what I need in order for me to feel better.

My surrender is not graceful.

And I've had to surrender before. I am required to surrender on a daily basis! I've had to surrender my will and my life over to the care of a higher power every single day in order to keep myself from self destructing for the past 3.5 years. Because that's part of who I am. To the same extent that I am passionate, joyful, enthusiastic, driven and in love with life - there is a part of me with the same depth that is destructive, controlling, chaos creating, selfish and fearful.

I believe today that because of my willingness to go into the darkness I have developed the capacity to enter the world with such tremendous joy and freedom and light. Are you brave enough to face your fears? Are you brave enough to allow a breakdown to happen? I am moved to tears walking down the street just witnessing the sun or seeing the smile on someone else's face. I am so fiercely passionate about life that I choose to place myself right smack in the middle of it, right where it hurts, right where I'm scared, right where I must choose faith.

The desperate cry for security has made me ridiculously miserable. I imagine I am not alone in that. Doesn't it kind of sound nice? A dependable plan, a happy ending, safety, reliability, something that is somewhat predictable. - Ha, what's funny is that even as I write that there's a part of me screaming ARE YOU KIDDING ME? and my stomach turns at the thought of something being PREDICTABLE in my life, but you know, the truth is, that was what I wanted. I wanted to KNOW that everything was going to be OK. I wanted to live somewhere beautiful, I wanted to KNOW that my partner would ALWAYS love me, I wanted to KNOW exactly what was going to happen and when.  I wanted to KNOW that I would be successful and that one day I would have it all figured out. I really did want that, or at least I convinced myself I did. I wanted it so badly that I literally watched all of my life just slip through my fingers like sand. I have that feeling when I think about the beginning of my recent surrender. That all of a sudden, everything I thought I knew, everything I believed about myself and my life and my path felt like sitting on a beach with sand in my hands and all of it just sliding through my fingers and blowing away in the wind. It happened slowly. Less coaching clients, a break- up, and a plane ticket that I didn't use.

Here's my surrender. I will allow and trust in the process of life. I will surrender my desire to control. I surrender to my fears. I surrender to my need to have the answers. I surrender to my childlike desire for a life of no pain.

Faith. This is how I get to practice everything I have learned over the course of the past 25 years of my life. Nice quarter century criss I may have going on?  If we knew all the answers, if we had it all figured out, why the hell would we need God? This is how it works. If everything was always easy how would we ever discover our strength, our compassion for others, courage and wisdom - from which all of those things develop our ability to find real happiness.

I am willing now to let my guard down. I am willing now to ENJOY the sand falling between my fingers. I am willing to explore what I want. I am willing to accept the feeling of not knowing and embrace this beautiful, magical, playful, adventure of a life. I am willing to allow the light to shine through the cracks of my soul, and blast apart my ego so that everything that has ever held me back from living a life of freedom and faith will fall away.

So here's the thing. Are you willing to get honest? Are you willing to see where you RESIST what is? Where you may be holding on, controlling, expecting, demanding life to be exactly how you think it "should" be? Can you allow yourself to fall apart, so that you can, like me, pick yourself up off the floor and see how strong you are?

Here's what happens when I allow:

Calm. The feeling I am actually seeking. Deep, profound serenity. The reminder that God is real. That something is watching over me. Joy and laughter because I know that I am going to be OK.

I have slowly (and ungracefully) come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. I have slowly rolled over. First, I am no longer face down into the floor. I'm lying on my back. Heart open, palms up, hands empty and ready to receive whatever will be gracefully placed there.

Then I get up, and stand up on my own two feet, and with a smile on my face ask myself - I wonder what will happen today?

I will choose to surrender to what is. Let go of what was. and have faith in what will be.

Will you?

What does it mean to love yourself?

This has become so important to me because as I sit here, I know that my purpose, my mission, my vision is to help other people, but most specifically women, love themselves, cherish themselves, take care of themselves, and then from this place - build and create a life they love. To experience life fully and from an honest, authentic place. There are so many self help books out there, my gift on my website is “8 secrets to building self love” and there are thousands of quotes around self love, and then I imagine some of you have heard or seen or just TRIED SO HARD to live loving yourself that how can we possibly understand or know what that means? OH and on top of that, there are thousands more articles on what it even means to love someone ELSE. What the heck does it mean to love? So I have opinions, experiences, and thoughts on that, but I am going to focus now on what it means to love YOURSELF. and NO I don’t think it just means “work out more” or “eat healthy.”

Here’s what I think it means. LOVING YOURSELF MEANS:

*that you say no when you want to say no (and that you just say no in general sometimes! boundaries!)
*that you say yes when you want to say yes.
*being honest with where you’re at in your life -- being honest with how you FEEL. accepting yourself for exactly who you are
*feeling your feelings - not drinking, using drugs, having sex, eating ice cream, working out, bailing on your therapist to avoid the process. feel your feelings
*not participating in activities that do not feed your soul
*ending a relationship that doesn’t serve your highest vision and goals
*entering relationships that serve your highest vision and goals
*listening to your heart when it says to do or NOT do something
*trusting yourself - not needing to call 10 people for advice, opinions, knowing that you have the answer
*making time for yourself, even if it’s 5 minutes a day of just quiet time, or journaling
*getting enough sleep
*saying “I’m sorry”
*forgiving yourself - stop being hard on yourself! (this is a whole other blog in and of itself) but what does it serve? really? what happens when you scream at yourself and beat yourself up for the things you do, have done, etc. forgiveness is a tremendous act of LOVE
*making a decision that even though it’s not what you want, you know it’s best (like choosing NOT to move to San Diego, even though you may want to right now)
*letting go. trusting the universe. allowing yourself to be guided. you love yourself when you stop trying to control everything and everyone.
*keep the focus on you. when you love yourself you don’t compare yourself to anyone else
*having goals and dreams and visions. working towards something in your life
*doing things for others, but not at the expense of yourself.
*asking for HELP!! - it’s amazing why some people find this so hard (for me, I’m working on not asking for help ALL THE TIME so I can learn how to trust myself-another blog soon) however, the only reason I am sober, the only reason I am still alive and working through all my crap is because I continuously DO ask for help and guidance from others, people who I admire, who love me and care about me and will tell me the truth, not what I think I want to hear
*laughing at yourself
*keeping commitments
*telling the people you love how you truly feel about them - your dreams, visions, hopes for them, how much they me to you. loving yourself and loving others is VULNERABLE
*you sometimes do what’s needed more than you do what’s wanted*<--- BIG!

You do what’s needed more than you do what’s wanted. I am in this right now and this is my lesson. As I walk through and practice RADICAL self love and I feel my feelings, I honor myself and my journey, I stop judging myself on my behaviors, I laugh at myself, and I choose to do the things that I NEED to do for myself OVER the things that I may want. Gosh, there are so many things I want! I want to live in San Diego, I want to coach full time and lead women’s circles, I want my own apartment, I want a soulmate, want want want ---- in order for WHAT to happen you ask? Happiness? No. I want to be happy, but I recognize that’s a choice. Having the above mentioned things for me, would somehow mean that I am loved. WOW! Now that’s humbling. That’s what I am seeking. Love. Isn’t that what we’re all seeking? But I know this, and now I am LIVING it, all of the love in my life begins with ME. I MUST love myself first before I am capable of loving another - because I will treat others (especially my partner) how I treat myself.

I want to move to San Diego. I was ready to go. I told my boss. I told my roommates. I told my parents. I even announced it on Facebook (so then it’s real, right?). But guess what? I’m not ready yet. I have changed my mind. I didn’t have enough money. I DON’T have enough money in order to go right now - but I was going to depend on someone else to help make that happen for me. This person who I love and care about, but who (experience showed) was not willing to fully commit and help me with this. and you know what I realized? THAT’S OK. and SELF LOVE - and building the life I want means I take responsibility for myself and my life! NOT wait for someone else do it for me. Now THAT’S love. When you don’t want someone else to do your life for you. and I want it. I want to go to San Diego SO BAD. AND try this on, one of my mentors said, “Catherine. Adults do what needs to be done more so than what’s wanted.” I am doing what I need to do. I am listening to my heart saying "NOT YET CATHERINE." There is always going to be something we want right? A new book, clothes, workshop, vacation, yoga outfit, sex, etc. When will it be enough? When will we know that we are enough, we do enough, we have enough, and that I can have goals and dreams and visions and I will fall more in love with myself as I WORK TOWARDS IT MYSELF rather than demand that everything be given to me right now. I also WANT a relationship - but maybe I’m not ready! Maybe it’s not time. and that’s ok! I must accept where I’m at, be honest about the work I still need to do on myself, and fully commit to THAT before I will ever be ready to commit to someone else.

I love Boston. I am building a life here. I am really REALLY proud of the work I have done and the work I am doing for other women through circles and coaching. I am also humbled realizing that I still have work to do on myself (and it’s never ending!) and it’s my JOB to love myself through it. That I am not a failure for not going to San Diego right now, in fact, I feel like a success, because I am taking responsibility for myself and my life. I am ending a relationship that does not serve me, it has nothing to do with the other person being right or wrong, it doesn’t serve. That’s the questions I want you to ask yourselves before you do something --- DOES THIS SERVE? and WHAT does it serve? Your ego or your heart?

Can you be patient enough to let your life unfold? Can you TRUST that you are being taken care of and loved by a power greater than yourself, the universe which holds all things together and can you LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH to spend time with yourself, do the things you love, take time to let your life unfold and enjoy the present moment? Say yes when you want to say yes -- and to sometimes say NO!? What do you think?

Do you need help with this? Do you need HELP healing, loving, getting present, discovering, accepting? Well that’s what I DO. Are you ready to see how worthy and deserving of love you are?

I don’t want to be anyone else but me. Just me. Just Catherine! AND I sure as heck do not want anyone else’s path. I want mine. I want to be responsible for it. I want to enjoy it. and I want to love myself (and you) every step of the way.

There is nothing wrong with you

 

Isn't it amazing? How many of us walk around with this? The idea that there is something WRONG with us. Our desperate cry to be PERFECT - or whatever the hell that means? I had a big day today, a really important day and I am so grateful for how it felt to have a knife driven into my heart and for how it felt to realize how deeply and completely I love and accept myself exactly as I am. I thought it was important to reflect on my journey, to realize and confirm exactly why I am committed to the work I am doing as a coach and that it was a really important message I wanted to share with you. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. and there is nothing wrong with me. 

Please stop trying to do everything possible to change who you are, change what you look like, change how you behave to please others. This is something that has been at the core of my work - that I want to empower people to FEEL powerful in their lives, feel confident and courageous and AUTHENTIC and to embrace the truth of who they are and know that they are enough and so worthy and deserving of love. I have spent a lot of time embracing who I am, loving who I am, all parts of me, regardless of whether I have a relationship or not (because of course, I used to believe that being in a relationship somehow meant I was enough, and without one, I'm not) - and it has not always been this way! This morning it hit me to the core. A moment where I felt a knife wound to my heart. STRAIGHT to my heart where one comment IMMEDIATELY brought me back to "there is something wrong with me" and it hurt. It hurt so much. And it doesn't matter what the person's intention was or how they said it. I am so grateful they did because I got to do the work on myself today. To experience how it felt to lay on the sidewalk in downtown Boston, tears pouring down my face, SCREAMING at the top of my lungs - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. I'm just going to go right out with this. Be more vulnerable than I have ever been and get rid of this shit - there is nothing wrong with ME and there is nothing wrong with YOU.

How to be unhappy? Try to please others. Direct link. I grew up trying so hard to be everything everyone else wanted me to be, trying to behave how you wanted me to behave so you would love me, dress the way you wanted me to dress, change my body so you would love me and then of course it got to the point so the only thing that was mine was my name. I then went through the world with no freaken clue of who I was until one day I was finally able to admit that I needed help. Here's how it went. 

My mom would constantly ask me "Why can't you be like the other girls at school?" Because they were smarter and apparently worked harder than me. In 4th grade I was made fun of for having hair on my legs - somehow all the other girls started shaving already and I was called a werewolf because I had so much hair. My eyebrows were black but my hair was light so I was told I had caterpillars on my face. So I tried to puck my eyebrows myself and let me tell you... it was quite ridiculous what I did. I taped my breasts down in 6th and 7th grade because I was getting so much unwanted attention and glances and I felt so insecure and out of control in my body I had to hide it - in a way that was so painful I often struggled to breathe. Then in 8th grade a guy at another school invited me to a dance - he sent me an email the night of the dance saying that if I wanted to come I probably should shave my arms so I wouldn't get made fun of. So instead of wearing my favorite tank top to the dance I wore a long sleeve shirt. I was kissing a guy when I was 16 and he asked me if I wanted to try his face wash because my acne was so bad and he told me whatever it was I was using wasn't working. I practically begged the popular girls at school to let me sit with them at the "popular" lunch table so that I too could feel pretty and accepted. The most humiliating times of my life. Where I slowly began to believe that there was indeed something wrong with me, and if I could just be prettier, skinnier, smarter, more athletic, more perfect, more outgoing, more talented, accomplished, extraordinary THEN you would love me! No wonder at 16 years old I couldn't take it anymore and I picked up alcohol.

Three years later at 19 I am suggested to go into Alcoholics Anonymous because I have lost myself so much that I can't go one day without drinking and it wasn't until 22 years old that I finally said, this is NOT how I want to live. So now as an alcoholic are you going to treat me differently from you? Is this one more thing that's wrong with me that I have to try to fix and change so I can behave well enough for you to be comfortable? No. It's not.

It is SO EXHAUSTING to walk through life constantly trying to be whatever anyone and everyone else wants you to be! No wonder so many people are miserable and struggling with self identity - because they don't spend the time to actually listen to what's in their heart and embrace who they are and celebrate who they are and celebrate the choices they make that are in alignment with who they are! What will it take for you to completely love and accept yourself as you are? WHEN will you decide to do that? When will you behave like the magnificent, remarkable, extraordinary human being that you are who is loved for exactly who you are for no other reason than you are YOU!?

I received a gift this morning. Thank you to the person who sent the bullet straight to my heart to remind me that when I look into the depth of my soul I LOVE what I see. I LOVE who I am, all parts of me. I love the part that can't stop crying all the time because I am so moved by LIFE and in deep gratitude that it touches my heart so much that I just release. I love my black eyebrows because they are exactly what makes me different. I love that I dance in my room by myself to my favorite music because I love how it feels to move. I love that my boobs are so big they sometimes get in the way of yoga poses I wish I could do. I love that my body is slowly opening up to yoga - and that I CAN'T do all these ridiculous poses YET and that I am in no rush - I won't be more of a yogi because I can do a handstand than I am right now. I love that I go to therapy so I can learn more about myself and grow and deepen my connection to my heart. I love that I have faith in a higher power, a power that is bigger than me who loves me and cares for me and works with me as I create my life. I love that I am an alcoholic, that I had a problem with alcohol, and that now there is a solution where I get to go to meetings all over the world and meet the most remarkable people I have ever known - that we have a shared experience, a shared safe space and that my best friends are in this program too and we support and love each other exactly as we are, in all our flaws, in all our mistakes and imperfections, everything that makes us HUMAN. I love that I eat a reeses peanut butter cup all around the outside first, then put the peanut butter part right on my tongue, I love that I love talking about sex, I love being with women, I love that I can get so riled up and passionate about the things I believe in, that I am so passionate about the people I love and I would die for the people I love. I love laughing so hard my cheeks and stomach ache, I love that my hair is a frizzy mess when I don't blow dry it, I love that I have hair on my body, I love my strong legs that enable me to run, jump, skip, stand, balance in yoga. I love my body, exactly as it is, that I don't go to the gym anymore because I am so committed to looking good naked FOR YOU. I work out because it feels good for ME and then I have more energy to go about my life and stay present and awake to every moment of it, and most of all...most of all, I love that I don't need YOU to love me so that I love me. I love me. I love who I am, who I am becoming, who I choose to be in this world. Powerful, feminine, free, fun, playful, joyful, grateful, vulnerable, courageous, awake, and alive to every moment of my life and that I can feel things right down into the depth of who I am and then can move past it, that I run my life today, not you.

And if one day, if one day I get so lucky that I meet a man who loves me for exactly who I am, I won't ever have to doubt it because I won't ever have to doubt that I have behaved any other way when I am with him. That he will know who I am when he meets me. Because I know what I'm like, and I act that way pretty much all the time, regardless of the situation. I won't pretend to like music he does if I don't, I won't pretend to like chocolate ice cream just because he does if I don't. The most important thing is for me to be entirely myself rather than date someone who demands I only be part of who I am. It is so much more relaxing, so much more free, so much more real to be upfront about who I am rather than hide it. Why bother hiding it? It takes so much WORK. AND I won't want him to be anything other than himself because I will allow him to be exactly as he is, and I won't try to help him, change him, fix him to conform to whatever idea I think I have of who my partner should be. 

When I wake up in the morning, when I call my friends, when I talk to my parents, or my sisters, I can tell them exactly what is going on and I don't have to worry about what they'll think, or if they'll judge me, and when my friends tell me their deepest darkest secrets, the things they are most ashamed about, afraid of. I feel blessed and honored to see them, to witness them, to hold them and let them know either that I have felt that way too or that I am so proud of them for telling the truth and working through their fears and insecurities and trusting me with their heart. 

There is NOTHING wrong with you, about you, or the way you are.
 

Whatever you think is the thing about your body, personality, passions, 

dreams - whatever it is keeping you from being perfect, attractive, wonderful RIGHT NOW it isn't keeping you from that. You're so wonderful. So beautiful. So freaken AMAZING and the world is so lucky to have you in it. Stop trying to be perfect because you already are. There is really, seriously, NOTHING wrong with you.

I knew my heart was breaking. Open

What if today was the first day of the rest of your life?

I want to share what happened to me. How I know now that I am on the right path, that we are so lucky in this world to have access to so many different avenues for healing. I have to share this. Because I want you to know what is possible for you. I want you to know my deepest secrets. I want you to know the truth. I want you to see me. I want the world to see me – because I am ready to live. I am ready to write my story. I’ve got a blank page now. I’ve shared bits and pieces of the old story – the past, the things that have happened that have molded me into the woman I am now. And what I want you to know – that you are not what happened to you. You are who you decide to be. Every second, every moment is a decision. A decision of who you are and who you want to be. You are always deciding. You are always creating and I knew something was happening to me. I knew I was making decisions and I knew that I was ready to choose who I wanted to be – to live the truth that is in my heart and to reveal it to the world. There is one purpose of life – that is freedom. Freedom to be exactly who you are, doing what you love; life is for you to experience in its fullest glory.

“Something’s happening.” That’s all I’ve been able to say over the past two weeks. Something was happening to me. I have embraced the truth. I have been committed to constant self-discovery, self exploration and healing over the past 3 years. I stopped drinking. I began to ask for help. I began to take a good look at myself. I started inner child therapy to heal my trauma from the past and to begin to examine how I was behaving in the world so I could change it. I knew that was what I wanted. To remove the walls around my heart, to choose love over fear, to really go inward. With this knowledge I could discover the things that have been holding me back and journey back to my heart. It has been a process. It has been painful to see some truths about myself. To see how I still let my past define me, how I still play out the same story over and over again. I learned about relationships, I learned about choice, I learned about freedom, I learned how it felt to just LOVE without needing love in return. I took risks, I took chances, I began to step into my power, something I had forgotten I had. While I have been doing a lot of great things, a lot of things I am proud of, there was something still going on. Something I still let hold me back. My old story. That I was a victim. 

Isn’t that where so many people live? "I can’t love again because I’ve been hurt. I can’t take this chance because what if I fail? I can’t do this because my mom told me I wasn’t enough so I believed her. This happened once (this pain) so I need to make sure it doesn’t happen again so I’m not going to do this or this. I can’t stand my boss so that’s why I’m miserable. I don’t have money so I’m just going to sit and complain about it." Blah blah blah. We waste an extraordinary amount of energy blaming other people, places and things for our feelings, behaviors, and actions. We spend a depressing amount of time blaming other people for the way things are.

And guess what? I did it too. I blamed my parents. I blamed my parents for “the way I am.” Whatever that was. And it came up the most in intimate relationship for me. I was influenced by the way my partner felt, I cared a lot about what he was doing, where he was going, etc. I let my whole emotional being be influenced by decisions he was making – instead of making my own. I said “yes” when I wanted to say “no” and no wonder I felt emotionally drained all the time. I started “censoring” myself, behaving how I thought he wanted me to behave, essentially putting myself in a prison. Of course it was painful. It is really hard to love yourself if you can’t be yourself. I walked around in the relationship behaving like I was the lucky one - and felt unworthy of being loved by someone as amazing as him. I have friends who love me for exactly who I am, and they love me and support me in all my ridiculousness (and I am ridiculous) and they tell me the truth. But here I am, in the most sacred relationship there is, blaming. The relationship that I envision to be an unbelievable soul connection, fireworks go off when you walk into the room, the hairs on my arms stand up when he kisses me, celebrating each other, supporting each other in love, allowing each other to be exactly who we each are, laughing and loving each other so much you can’t stand it. That I want to remember how amazing I AM so I cause him to remember how amazing HE is. I don’t need someone to complete me, I love the idea of two people who already feel whole, content, happy and complete coming together to expand the amazing lives they are already living. THAT is what I want. 

I knew I was done. I knew I no longer wanted to live as a victim in my life. This has been the theme of 2012 for me. This transition. This humbling awakening to the way I have been behaving. Over the past two weeks I attended a workshop where I was confronted with this truth, my boyfriend and I broke up for what feels like the millionth time. I want freedom. I knew I had to shift. I knew I wanted to lead other people on this path to self-discovery, to face the truth, and then to be able to let go of their past/limiting beliefs/behaviors and take their power back and start creating their life. After the break up I began to energetically feel myself change. My whole body began to experience various sensations throughout this week. I was having vivid dreams, I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating. I felt as though a huge cinder block of energy was resting on my chest. I had trouble breathing, I had constant headaches and I would fall asleep at night ripping at my chest to try to make the weight go away. This time I wasn’t crying. This time I knew I wanted OUT.  My heart that is. This time I knew I never wanted to walk around in a relationship with a censor. I know I want to storm, I want to be exactly who I am, I want to shine and I never again am going to wait for someone else to give me permission to do so. I don't need permission to do ANYTHING, be anything, think anything, feel anything. 

I felt like my heart was breaking open. Heart birthing rather than breaking. That I knew this was what I wanted. I wanted to be free. Free to love with my whole heart, to make room in my heart, in my body, in my mind to love everyone and everything. If my heart could break open - I would love without expectation or reservation, I wouldn't care what you thought of me, I wouldn't censor who I am or the things I say, I wouldn't try to impress you, I would just love you, give to you gracefully, love would flow out of me as I move toward creating my dreams. I wanted to be “naked” to the world, to let my whole self be seen.

I went to a breathwork workshop Friday, September 14th. My friend invited me 3 weeks ago. I made this plan 3 weeks ago - before the workshop, before the breakup, before this energetic shift. I was reminded tonight that everything is happening in perfect time. And this came right on time. I walked into the room. I started crying when she asked us why we were here. I said I was going through a break up and I wanted a release. Not overwhelming tears, just tears, letting go because I knew this was what I wanted. That no matter how much I missed my boyfriend I had to come to a place of acceptance, and no matter how much it scared me to see who I would be without my “story” I was done. I set the intention to be broken open. I said out loud, break me open. I’m ready. I want all of it gone because I am ready to unleash my heart. So we begin. I have never done breathwork before. This was gentle. She explained the benefits of the body physically, emotionally and spiritually. She played the music and I relaxed into it. 

Breathing in my mouth and out my mouth. Imaging the breath circulating through my body. Slowly, not very deep, not shallow, just calm and conscious. Over and over. I began to feel my body shift and awaken. I began to experience tingling sensations all over my arms and legs and especially across my face and neck. It would happen for 30 seconds or so and then go away. I just kept breathing. The facilitator came over a couple times, holding my hands on my stomach, telling me to breathe, “good” she would say, “great Catherine.” And continue on. There were 6 people in the room. I listened to the music. I let go of expectations of what I thought was going to happen and I just breathed. I was thinking of my ex-boyfriend. Dreaming of him. Missing him. Feeling him on my body. Remembering how it felt to kiss him, touch him. I prayed for God to come into my body. To remind me that love is never lost because love is what I am. And I just kept breathing. At one point I lifted my legs up and put both feet on the ground. She told me to feel my power here. To remember how powerful I am. That I have everything I need. And I did. I asked God to help me again. To see me as he sees me. Perfect. Powerful. I can stand on my own. Soon I really began to feel something. I put my legs back down flat on the ground.

I stopped hearing the music. I thought I was falling asleep. I forgot where I was. I began to lose feeling in my arms. Then I lost feeling in my legs. My hands began to curl. My breath became short. I blacked out. I don’t remember how long that lasted. All I know is I saw nothing, felt nothing, and heard nothing. Within moments I gasped for air and opened my eyes. The facilitator was right there as I sat up and she embraced me. I couldn’t understand how she knew to be there for me. That the moments before I blacked out I was thinking of him. Thinking of how much I needed him to hug me. That I just wanted a hug. And there she was. Ready to hug me. Now I erupted in tears. I didn’t see anything, no images came to mind, but I was crying. I could feel my entire body relax, I could feel how much I just let go, she held me so close, so tight and just kept whispering “you are safe Catherine. You are so loved. You are safe. I’m here. I got you. I’m here.” And I just cried. Soon I could feel my chest lighten and right now as I write this there is no weight on my chest. It was all gone. I couldn’t believe my body. She laid me back down. I kept crying. I tried to find my breath again. She sat down and held my hand. The tears continued to come. Not thinking anything I rolled over and continued to cry. She put her hand on my back and left me there. She then said that the session was coming to an end. How long were we going for? How long did that take? Did I really black out? What the f**k just happened!? I kept crying. Now I was hearing the music. She turned it down. Asked everyone to begin to find movement in their body again. I couldn’t move. The tears started to slowly stop. But I didn’t want to move. I was in the fetal position on the floor. Just breathing. After everyone else got settled she came over to me. 

“Catherine are you ok?”
“Tara,” I said, “I blacked out. What happened? I blacked out, I don't remember anything other than my body seizing.”

She then says, “Catherine. I have been doing breathwork for 10 years and I have only seen what just happened to you about 5 times. You were reborn. You went through the birthing process. The reason your body tensed up is because your body traveled through the birth canal again, you gasped for air because you stopped breathing and yes, you did black out. That is part of the process. I knew to hug you because that is what is needed when a baby is born. A baby needs to be held. You did so good Catherine. Welcome to the world. You are new. Take your time sitting up.” She later shared that she had actually been sitting by me for a few minutes. She felt my body calling to her. She said she just sat and watched me and after a few minutes wondered why the angels had called her to me, and it was in that moment that she watched my body seize up, gasp for air, then open my eyes and lean into her arms. I am never going to forget this - most importantly the way she held space for me. That God knew I would be safe tonight.

5 times in 10 years? Reborn? I get to start over? Did I get my wish? To let go of the past? That it no longer matters what happened to me and right now, in this moment I can decide what I want to do and who I want to be? In this moment? Wow, yes, I can. I laid there for about 10 more minutes as the rest of the group circled up. Thank you God. Still processing what has happened I began to move my arms and legs and slowly sat up. I couldn’t believe how light my body felt, how free I felt. I wanted to be near everyone. I wanted more hugs. As I write this now I feel more powerful and free than I have ever felt in my life. I am no longer a sexual assault victim or an abused child. I’m Just Catherine. Magnificent, powerful, remarkable, beautiful, kind, compassionate, generous, loving, fierce, sexy, free, confident, smart, capable, and excited to live. 

I shared about my intention. I shared about how I wanted to release the past. I shared about how I wanted my heart to be broken open and I got my wish. She looked at me and said “You most certainly have done the work to get here, to this moment now.” She then said, in the 5 times she has witnessed this, usually the muscle tension lasts for minutes, but she said I came “out” in seconds. Seconds I was ready to be born. And you know what? I am ready. I am ready to live my life. That God has given me the chances over and over again and I have stepped up to them each time. I have been unafraid. I am healing. I embraced my inner child, I am doing the physical healing on my body through yoga and body work, I have gone to the seminars to gain control over my mind, but breathwork? This was something I wasn’t prepared for. Thank you God for my friend for suggesting this, thank you God for my perfect timing. I am reminded of the work I have done to be able to get here. To this moment now.

I know now how important it is to just breathe. And that maybe you don’t need to go through what I just did. You don’t need to have a “process” in order to be reborn again. You can just decide. This was how God wanted it to be for me. I went through it like this so I could help you decide. So I could share my story, my experience, my strength and hope for you to begin living the life you dream of. To start letting yourself shine and we will support you in all your glory. No one wins by playing small. We are meant to shine. And shine I will. So today begins the first day of the rest of my life. My story is one yet to be written. 

Watch out world, here I come.